Normally I like to precede my football picks with something non-football-related, but this week's Tuesday Morning Quarterback column is too ludicrous for me to leave without comment. For those of you unfamiliar with TMQ, it is a weekly football column written by Gregg Easterbrook where he intersperses commentary on the previous week's NFL (and occasionally college) games with scientific and cultural items of interest. Although the column has gotten a bit stale, it is still a good read, and Easterbrook has coined or supported many NFL truisms like the notion that teams should go for it on 4th down more frequently and that teams often hurt themselves blitzing too often.

This season, however, Easterbrook has been irrationally fixated on the Patriots' "Spygate" scandal. His first column on the subject claimed that the scandal would lead to the downfall of the NFL as a dominant league. In his second, a week later, he accuses the NFL of a conspiracy to destroy the evidence of cheating which smacks of the same logic that UFO enthusiasts use to "prove" that the government has evidence of alien landings and asserted that Patriots coach Bill Belichick will be jobless by the end of the season. He gave the topic a rest for the next few weeks, but this week he dragged it out again with the assertion that the upcoming Patriots-Colts game is a Star Wars-esque battle of "good vs. evil", in no small part due to the videotaping incident.

He then proceeds to list out reasons why the Colts are "paladins who carry the banner of that which if benificient" and the Patriots are "scoundrels in the service of that which is baleful", let's take a look at a few, shall we?

Colts
Sportsmanship - I see no evidence that the Colts are any more or less sportsmanlike than the rest of the teams in the league, unless you consider the fact that after the Patriots beat them in the playoffs a few years back they whined to the league's competition committee to make a change prohibiting DBs from touching WRs, clearly favoring their team.
Honesty - Again, no evidence why they are more honest than any other team.
Modesty - I'll give them this one in that they have no obvious showboats, but then again neither do any of the other teams that don't employ Chad Johnson or Terrell Owens.
Devotion to Community - I believe Troy Brown was in as many United Way commercials as Peyton Manning, and infinitely fewer commercials for cell phones, directv, etc.
Embrace of Traditional Small-Town Life - Umm, as someone who sat through an hour of Indy traffic a few months ago can attest, it's not exactly a small town like Green Bay or Buffalo.
Belief in Higher Power - Wow, so the belief in a deity is a sign of "goodness"? I guess we shouldn't be fighting radical Islamic fundamentalists then, because they're clearly on the side of good.
Love of Laughter - If we weren't in the realm of hyperbole before, we certainly are now.
"Through prior years of postseason frustration, they never complained or pointed the finger outside their team" - See "Sportsmanship". Also, while they never pointed the finger outside their team, they often pointed their fingers inside their team. Peyton Manning, whom Easterbrook devotes an entire gushing section of this paragraph to, grimaced and sulked after every poor play in their postseason losses, and after one loss blamed his offensive line for his own failures in his postgame press conference.

Patriots
Dishonesty, Cheating - Easterbrook lists these as two separate items, when I believe they mean the same thing. As I pointed out last week, when the Dolphins stole the Patriots' signals using readily-available technology nobody (including himself) accused them of threatening the future of the NFL, but I'll let this one slide since the videotaping was against league rules (although I still contend it had no bearing on the outcomes of games).
Arrogance - On the contrary, evil coach Belichick spends most of his weekly press conferences praising his upcoming opponent in order to instill within the locker room the notion that arrogance is unacceptable. Refusal to pander to the media when it goes contrary to the goals of his job is not arrogance.
Hubris - From dictionary.com: "hubris - noun - excessive pride or self-confidence; arrogance". Another rerun.
Endless Complaining Even in Success - There is a big difference between "complaining" (i.e. what Peyton Manning did during the aforementioned press conference) and recognizing that you can always do better. Again, this is a purposeful attempt by Belichick to instill in his players the sense that, to quote the old adage, "when better is possible, good is not enough".

He goes on like this for numerous sentences, claiming that all past Patriots victories are tarnished by cheating that he has no evidence of (under the good old logic that a lack of negative evidence is evidence enough); asserting that rather than spurring his players to keep working, Bill Belichick should blow sunshine up his players' asses and be satisfied whenever they win (please don't confuse your own experiences coaching Pop Warner football with how a professional football coach should behave); and most amusingly that Tom Brady is sneaky because "people who smirk are fairly broadcasting the message, 'I'm hiding something'".

So Lucas, I leave you with this. On the good-evil Colts-Patriots continuum, where do the Packers fall?

CLE at STL: CLE
NYG at MIA: NYG
IND at CAR: IND
DET at CHI: CHI
PIT at CIN: PIT
PHI at MIN: PHI
OAK at TEN: TEN
BUF at NYJ: BUF
JAX at TB: JAX
HOU at SD: SD
NO at SF: SF
WAS at NE: NE
GB at DEN: DEN, sadly

A few weeks ago I promised a diatribe against microblogs, so here it goes. Ever since I put on my Lord Vader mask and bought an iPod last year, I've been addicted to podcasts. One of my favorites is a weekly called This Week in Tech in which an assortment of older guys (and occasionally a girl) name-check web 2.0 CEOs and talk about tech news and product releases. They were a bit too pro-Apple for my tastes until the delightful iPhone Firmware Bricking (which also deserves its own post) brought them back to Earth. But one thing they frequently discuss is Web 2.0 companies, including microblogs.

The entire Web 2.0 movement centers around the notion that we all yearn to collaborate and communicate with like-minded netizens. In some cases, such as Wikipedia and (debatably) YouTube, it has resulted in either a productive or entertaining contribution to online society. In others (Friendster, Facebook, MySpace, etc.) it has resulted in a short-lived, hard-on-the-eyes fad. An entry that will hopefully fall into the latter category is microblogs.

Think about the positive aspects of weblogs: Finding out someones thoughts about a noteworthy topic, reading oft-updated short writings by someone with a writing style you enjoy, losing every week at NFL picks, etc. Now think of all that is wrong with weblogs: the minutiae of someone's daily life, bouncing icons about their current mood, and which bad jangly garage-rock song they're listening to at every moment. Microblogs remove all of the positive aspects and pile on the negative aspects, to the point where it becomes an unending stream of one-sentence updates on what someone is doing at the moment ("going to the store, got to get some dinner", "waiting in line at the store", "OMG! The cashier is out of pennies!!!!1") often posted from a cell phone or blackberry-like device, must to the likely chagrin of whoever is behind them in line at the store.

One such microblog site is Jaiku, which apparently was just bought by Google, hopefully so that they can start blocking all entries from their search results. Here is a link to the Jaiku of the host of This Week in Tech, Leo Laporte: Leo's Jaiku. Now Leo hosts nearly a dozen weekly podcasts on various topics as well as running a number of websites and blogs, most of which are extremely informative and entertaining. Yet apparently this is the only venue where I can find out in one sentence that he's admitting that he spent $500+ on an iPhone, only to use it as an underpowered iPod (as opposed to those who unlocked it and then updated their firmware, who now have a $500+ paperweight. Zing!).

Why is this necessary? What need do these sites fulfill? Does anyone really need to know that I'm in line at the grocery store, sitting in traffic on the way to work, or listening to that inane Feist song? I keep hearing lots of reasons there won't be another tech bubble like there was at the turn of the millennium, but the fact that sites like Jaiku and MySpace are being sold for millions of dollars and that business are throwing millions into advertising within the giant waste or bandwidth that is Second Life would lead me to believe otherwise.

And now on to the picks. Lucas, I've revived our point-counterpoint on Spygate a few picks down...

SF at NYG: In a pathetic NFC, the Giants continue to coast along despite a below-average quarterback and no secondary to speak of. But the worst part is, Jeremy Shockey hasn't said anything dumb recently. They're about due for a comedown loss, but I'll wait on it until next week. NYG

BAL at BUF: The story of this NFL season has been injuries to quarterbacks. Both of these teams are starting backups, and both backups may be starters by the time the season is done with. Despite their QB troubles, the Ravens are a quiet (and very misleading) 4-2. Upset Special. BUF

NE at MIA: Let's play a game here. Pretend that there was a team that watched film and stole another team's signals, later using the signals to anticipate the other team's plays and leading to a victory. After the game, the theft and competitive advantage were revealed. Which of the following happened? A) Pundits pilloried the organization and said that all preceding wins should be stricken from the record books. B) A prominent football columnist went on his soapbox and railed against the team's coach, predicting that he would be fired by the end of the season, and alluded to a vast NFL conspiracy. C) The NFL fined the organization hundreds of thousands of dollars and took away a 1st-round draft pick. D) The offending team bragged about it in the newspaper after the game and no one ever said a word about it. If you said D, you would be correct, as this exact scenario happened in Miami's 21-0 victory over the Patriots last year. Read about the resulting NFL investigation into the incident and tell me how this is any different than "Spygate". NE

ATL at NO: I don't buy that the Saints are back on track, but I also don't buy that Byron Leftwich has learned Atlanta's pathetic offense yet. NO

AZ at WAS: Surprise surprise, Kurt Warner (or "The Ken Griffey Jr. of the NFL") got injured last week in the first quarter. WAS

TEN at HOU: If Vince Young doesn't play, the Titans have no chance. Can you name one receiver they have? HOU

TB at DET: Oh Lions, you got a whole week off to consider whether or not to play defense this week. My guess is they spent most of the time playing Madden. Or dogfighting. Or buying sports cars. Oh what the heck. DET

KC at OAK: Priest Holmes or not, the Chiefs aren't this good. OAK

NYJ at CIN: The Bengals have become the old bengals, the ones with Carl Pickens, Darnay Scott, Boomer Esiason, and no defense. Still, Chad Pennington's noodle-arm is finally being exposed by the rest of the league. CIN

STL at SEA: In the race for last team with a win, the Rams took a big hit when they revealed that Gus Frerotte is heading back to the bench. Apparently broken ribs are better than 5 interceptions. SEA

CHI at PHI: Who knows, who cares. PHI

MIN at DAL: Is Adrian Peterson really the second coming of Walter Payton, or will he be contained by a team that can put 10 men in the box and key in totally on him since his QB may or may not be present on the field. Hmm... DAL

PIT at DEN: With every game the Broncos lose, the Patriots get closer to not having to play them in the playoffs. PIT

IND at JAX: I just can't do it, Indy has had 2 weeks to prepare for this. IND

By the time you read this, Eileen (and I) will be setting up her brand new computer. It's a swanky new dual-core machine with a sweet graphics card, lots of RAM, and like 500 GB of hard disk space. Of course, this will make me jealous that I no longer have the best computer in the apartment and make me want to buy a new one.

Eileen's old computer was the bane of my existence. It frequently blue-screened, which after a few tests I found to be caused by bad RAM. That's easy enough to fix on a normal computer, but on the crappy HP machine from 2001 that she had, accessing the RAM involved removing both CD drives, the hard disk drive, and the case fan. We did this at least 4 or 5 times due to either wanting up upgrade RAM or trying to diagnose why her computer later resumed blue-screening. Eventually the case fan died (after sounding like a jet plane for about a year), and rather than sink another cent into that atrocity I convinced her to wait it out and buy a new one for school.

So now, my computer is the low man on the totem pole. In the 4.5 years I've had it I've replaced the RAM, video card, case fan, and power supply and added a second internal hard drive, so it has aged extremely well (knock on wood), but who knows how it will react upon seeing such a gleaming new machine on the network. If it were me, I'd laugh, since the gleaming new machine will be running Vista).

MIN at CHI: One reason to not live in or near Chicago: you have to watch the Bears play every week. I don't care if they win or lose, it has to be mind-numbing to watch bad quarterbacks heaving interceptions year after year. Not to mention Rashaan Salaam. CHI

MIA at CLE: After a gutsy performance against the Pats last week, this is an obvious letdown game for the Browns. Unfortunately for the Dolphins, Cleo Lemon is involved. CLE

WAS at GB: I don't know what it is, but there's something about the Redskins that I just don't trust. Maybe it's those fans that dress like women and wear pig noses. GB

CIN at KC: All you fantasy football players lamenting Larry Johnson's performance this year, don't give up on him yet. I think Lucas and I could start at linebacker for the Bengals this week. CIN

PHI at NYJ: Are the Eagles good enough to win a road game? Are the Jets bad enough to lose a home game? I'll stick with the AFC on this one. NYJ

TEN at TB: The Bucs have a winning record? They're undefeated at home? I don't care how overrated the Titans may be, even Vince Young's typical 93 yards passing should be enough. TEN

HOU at JAX: In a week with *many* possibilities, this one is my game I don't care about of the week. JAX

STL at BAL: Seeing yet another team turn to their pathetic backup QB (Gus Frerotte is still in the league?) takes us one step closer to a Jeff George signing. BAL

CAR at AZ: Speaking of injured QBs, welcome back Kurt Warner and David Carr. AZ

NE at DAL: The comparisons of Tony Romo to Tom Brady are a bit early, don't you think? Romo throws interceptions with stunning regularity and singlehandedly lost the Cowboys a playoff game last year by fumbling a field goal hold. Brady dates supermodels, Romo dates reality show winners. Plus Romo has to play against a team with a decent secondary this week. I don't think you can say that about Brady. NE

OAK at SD: I don't buy the San Diego is back angle, not for a minute. Upset special. OAK

NO at SEA: Yes, it's definitely time to bring back the paper bags. SEA

NYG at ATL: It wouldn't surprise me if the Giants found a way to lose this one and Tom Coughlin went all Dennis Green during the postgame interview, but I can't get too excited about Byron Leftwich and no running game. NYG

One thing that Columbus has in common with Kansas City is that it seems like the vast majority of the people who live here are originally from here. This is different for me, since I spent most of my formative years in Atlanta, where almost everyone is from somewhere else. Even when I was in St. Louis, I was surrounded by college students who were mostly from other places (namely Long Island). This not only leads to everyone here being crazy OSU football fans, but also to everyone being familiar with strange local customs that I was unaware of.

Last Friday at my work's Oktoberfest lunch party, I was introduced to Cornhole, which is like horseshoes but with beanbags filled with corn. Since then, I've learned all sorts of interesting things about it on Wikipedia, in that there is a "World Championship" held in some random Ohio city. Kansas City had a similar game called washers which was also very much like horseshoes and very much unheard of in any of the places I had lived before.

So does every region of the US have their own horseshoes knockoff? If I'm going to play a proximity-based game, I'll stick with bocce. Now on to the picks.

ATL at TEN: I don't care how good Joey Harrington has looked the past two weeks, but he's not winning a road game against an AFC team. TEN

JAX at KC: Why is it that when the Chiefs play poorly, everyone makes fun of Herm "I don't have the internet" Edwards and his craziness, but when they win there is no mention of it? Whether the team wins or not, he's still crazy and he still could benefit from looking up "clock management" on wikipedia. JAX

AZ at STL: Everyone (Bill Simmons included) has gotten way too excited about a Cardinals team that hasn't won a road game yet. Still, the Rams are going nowhere fast. AZ

CLE at NE: It's wayyyyyy too early to start talking undefeated season with the Patriots, but if they're going to lose, it isn't going to be to the Browns. NE

CAR at NO: Every week I keep picking the Saints in the hopes that they'll turn it around, and every week they go and make me look like an idiot. I'd be more inclined to pick the Panthers if David Carr didn't have that "Italian male model" hair. NO

NYJ at NYG: Oh goody, two New York teams playing each other. Tom Coughlin is another coach who gets roasted by the media when he loses and absolutely nothing when he wins. Whether the team wins or loses, he's still a bad coach whose players will turn on him eventually. NYJ

SEA at PIT: I don't have anything remotely interesting to say about the Seahawks except that Mike Holmgren looks like a walrus. PIT

DET at WAS: Don't recycle those paper bags yet, Lions fans, Jon Kitna apparently hasn't prayed hard enough for a decent defense. WAS

MIA at HOU: As if things couldn't get worse for the Dolphins, Ricky Williams is applying for reinstatement. HOU

TB at IND: What I wrote about the Pats? The same applies for the Colts, although if Bob Sanders doesn't play Earnest Graham could look like Walter Payton this weekend. IND

SD at DEN: Hmm, do we go with Denver's underwhelming offense or San Diego's underwhelming coach. Anyone who hires Norv Turner as a head coach again after this must be smoking whatever Travis Henry's got. DEN

BAL at SF: So yeah, about that Ravens defense... upset special. SF

CHI at GB: Fine Lucas, you win, the Packers are actually good this year. Just hope they don't pull a Brewers and disappear down the stretch. GB