A short best-of list before the picks:

Movie: The Prestige
TV Show: Heroes
Mainstream Radio Song: Miss Murder by AFI
Sports Moment: Tom Brady juking Brian Urlacher

NYG at WAS: It's funny how bad the Giants are right now. As much as Philip Rivers is struggling right now, anyone think he'd rather trade places with Whiny Manning and his band of underachievers in the Dirty Apple? WAS

PIT at CIN: If the Bengals somehow make the playoffs, their completely inept defense will quickly show them to the exit. CIN

DET at DAL: Strange that now that the league has film on Tony Romo, he doesn't look so great anymore. It doesn't help that TO is his usual cancerous self. DAL

NE at TEN: The interesting subplot of this game will be whether Vinny Testaverde can throw a TD pass in his 20th straight season. Brady will have to wait until next week to overthrow his "receivers" again. TEN

JAX at KC: Note to Jacksonville, hinging your entire offensive gameplan on one player is not a good idea, especially when the other team knows it. KC

STL at MIN: Wow, a matchup of two completely mediocre teams. Thanks to the NFC, one of them is still in the playoff chase. STL

CAR at NO: Speaking of mediocre contenders, it's the Panthers. Look for the Saints to finish them off despite resting some starters. NO

OAK at NYJ: Sorry all you AFC teams that need a Jets loss to stay in contention. The Raiders haven't won a road game all year. NYJ

SEA at TB: I'd love to see the 'Hawks lose so that a .500 division winner gets a home game, but you can always count on the crappiness of the Bucs. SEA

CLE at HOU: After their big win against the Colts, I think the Texans are done. CLE

SF at DEN: Denver still ends up making the playoffs, dooming the Pats to an early-round loss. DEN

MIA at IND: Oh it would be fun if the Colts lost again. Alas, I just don't see the Dolphins being able to run enough. IND

ATL at PHI: The Falcons finish off another season with no organizational direction. PHI

AZ at SD: Philip Rivers has looked atrocious lately, but once again the AFC can beat the NFC without even trying. SD

BUF at BAL: If I'm a Ravens fan, I'm happy with the team's record but I don't trust them at all when the games start to count. BAL

GB at CHI: I'm not jumping on the bandwagon. Even though the Packers managed only 9 points against the Vikings' atrocious pass defense, it seems to be a popular pick to think they'll somehow topple the Bears. CHI

This is the second year in the past 10 where an Elmo toy has been the hot, hard-to-find toy of the year (the same can be said for the PS3 --- literally), and I'm not exactly sure why. With the PS3, the shortage is most likely due to a combination of the materials used to manufacture the Blu-Ray drive being scarce and the fact that Sony loses hundreds of dollars per unit sold, so it really is bad business for them to sell very many.

But the Elmo is another matter. The PS3 is an overpowered computer with cutting-edge laser technology. The Elmo is the exact same Elmo manufactured since 1996, presumably with the same cell phone vibrator mechanism inside. In this case, the demand is completely and entirely manufactured, and next month when Elmo is everywhere you'll feel like a moron for spending $1,000 buying one off eBay.

I say we just combine the two so that gullible dolts don't have to waste their money bidding on 2 separate auctions. Put a fuzzy exterior on the PS3 and if you rub its tickle spot it can shoot you with a Blu-Ray laser and urge you to purchase Gran Turismo.

Shortened NFL picks this week:

MIN at GB: GB
KC at OAK: KC
CAR at ATL: ATL
TEN at BUF: BUF
TB at CLE: TB
CHI at DET: CHI
WAS at STL: STL
NO at NYG: NO
BAL at PIT: PIT (Upset Special)
NE at JAX: NE
IND at HOU: IND
AZ at SF: SF
CIN at DEN: CIN
SD at SEA: SD
PHI at DAL: DAL
NYJ at MIA: MIA

It's hard to do the picks when there are games on so many crazy days. Here's the rest of this week's picks:

MIA at BUF: Two middling teams looking to finish the season with a modicum of respectability. The Dolphins won impressively last week, so they're about due for a loss against the also up-again down-again Bills. BUF

TB at CHI: If there's anyone who can make even Rex Grossman look good it's the Bucs. CHI

DET at GB: The slide is over! Time for the Pack to feast on their divisional brethren. GB

JAX at TEN: The best part about the streaking Titans is the return of Jeff Fisher's Mustache to Sportscenter and PTI. TEN

NYJ at MIN: I just can't figure out the Jets. They look primed for a playoff run, then lay an egg against an inferior team. I know one thing though, the AFC always dominates the NFC. NYJ

HOU at NE: Last week's loss to the Dolphins was unsurprising, although the fact that the Pats looked completely pathetic is not a good sign, even with their remaining schedule. NE

WAS at NO: Teams with nothing to play for don't often do well at the end of the season on the road. NO

PIT at CAR: Ladies and Gentlemen, the "2007 Super Bowl Champion" Carolina Panthers! CAR

CLE at BAL: Romeo Crennel was a great coordinator in New England, but he clearly isn't the answer in Cleveland. Then again, I'm not really sure who is. BAL

DEN at AZ: Could Jay Cutler get his first win? I'll give this one the ol' upset special, but not a convincing one. AZ

STL at OAK: Not sure if either of these teams has a clear direction, but at least the Rams have some competent players. STL

PHI at NYG: Only in the NFC is this a crucial playoff showdown...where it's possible both 7-6 teams could eventually get in. NYG

KC at SD: Ah the Chiefs, I'm not even sure that "Win one for Lamar Hunt" could coax a road win out of them. SD

CIN at IND: As amusing as the Colts' recent slide has been, one has to think they won't lose 3 in a row. IND

Until hearing it on the radio (?) yesterday, I had forgotten how truly horrible The Humpty Dance was (there's a video on YouTube, but it's out of sync). Was there *anything* that came out of the late 80's/early 90's that isn't painfully dated (you absolutely have to watch the first minute of this one, if only to see the guy talking with a fake surfer accent and his arms out to the side like a robot) already?

DAL at ATL: As predicted, Tony Romo fell to the Earth with a thud last week. The Cowboys' quick defense should be able to contain the inconsisten Falcons, who may or may no have a running back this week. DAL

I heard an ad on the radio the other day for one of those magic weight loss pills that promises to drop you several pants sizes in just a few weeks (your results may vary and require proper diet and exercise). The promotion was that if you bought a certain amount of pills, you would receive a free lottery ticket. I guess the same people who believe in magic weight loss pills also believe they have a chance of winning the lottery. Both are clearly marked as absurd longshots if you only read the fine print.

SF at SEA: Wasn't that whole adjustable schedule thing supposed to prevent games like this? Not that the Seahawks are that great, but in the NFC they're about as close as it gets to a lock. SEA

Some nicknames are strange. Take Dick, for example. How exactly did that come from Richard? It sounds nothing like it. Chris is a perfectly cromulent nickname for Christopher because it is an obviously shortened version of a name otherwise bloated in length.

One that's bugged me for awhile is Jim. It sounds a lot like Tim, which is short for Timothy, yet it's really short for...James? James is already short enough, one syllable. In solving this problem I've discovered the next "hot name": Jimothy, or for baby girls: Jymothi (the y instead of an i makes any name a girl's name). It's not even on the map for baby names yet, but after this post goes out there keep an eye on it. It's a name on the grow...

OAK at CIN: I'm just not sold on the Bengals like everyone else seems to be. Their early season problems (unable to stop the run) haven't been fixed, but it won't matter in this game. CIN

MIN at DET: The Vikings are still eligible for the playoffs. That about sums up the state of the NFC. MIN

BAL at KC: Wow, this is a tough one. The Chiefs have been outstanding at home (and not too great on the road, see last week), but I'm not sure they'll be able to move the ball against the Ravens. Still, Baltimore is waaaay overrated. Upset special. KC

NE at MIA: The Pats have been holding on to the ball about as well as Michael Jackson holds on to his children, and the Dolphins always play them tough. I'd almost go upset special here, but somehow I think the Pats will pull it out. NE

ATL at TB: Vick looks pitiful against the Bucs on a regular basis, but Tampa is one of those teams that I don't see winning another game for the rest of the year. ATL

PHI at WAS: The Eagles can't really make the playoffs still, can they? Oh NFC...PHI

NYG at CAR: It's the Pets.com Disappointment Bowl! I still take great pleasure in watching Eli Manning implode. NYG

IND at JAX: The Jaguars are always *this* close to beating the Colts, but they can never seem to do it. Look for more of the same here. IND

TEN at HOU: If the Titans were in the NFC, they'd be a playoff lock right now. As it is, they're just about mathematically eliminated. TEN

SEA at AZ: Look for another wacky Cardinals shootout here, but then again I could say that every week. SEA

GB at SF: Is the Packers' post-Pats slide over yet? I don't think so. SF

BUF at NYJ: I have half a mind to pick the Bills here, but I have to keep reminding myself: JP Losman, JP Losman. Speaking of, what exactly is the JP short for? He sounds more like an 8 year old down the street than an NFL quarterback. Notice to JP Losman: changing your name to Jimothy Patrick Losman is good for 2-3 wins per year. NYJ

DEN at SD: I don't think so, Lucas. Jay Cutler and his Plummer-like decision making are on the other side of the ball. SD

NO at DAL: The Tony Romo coronation ceremony ends today. NO

CHI at STL: Marc Bulger will spend more time in this game on his back than [insert slutty celebrity name here]. CHI

CLE at PIT: Here's where the NFL Network's plan backfires. Not only will nobody be able to watch this game (besides me), but nobody will want to watch it. PIT

We went to Target this afternoon, along with seemingly 95% of the rest of the civilized world. Nothing says Christmas like wading through aisles of unnecessary junk ("Choxie"?) along with hordes of unwashed masses after waiting 15 minutes for a parking spot. It's enough to make me want to do my shopping online.

SD at BUF: My East Coast Bias shines through again as the warm-weather Chargers freeze their asses off. Upset Special. BUF

MIN at CHI: I've made a big deal about teams being exposed by the Pats and then going into tailspins. The Bears are a bit better than that, at least on defense. CHI

KC at CLE: Ooh, if I didn't already use my upset special I'd be a bit tempted here. Alas, at this time of year it's usually best to go with the team fighting for their playoff lives. KC

NYJ at GB: Not only is this AFC vs. NFC, but the Packers are still in the midst of their post-Pats tailspin. NYJ

IND at TEN: Are people really picking upset here? Haven't the Colts already played Tennessee about 4 times this year? IND

AZ at STL: This one should be entertaining. The Cardinals are pass wacky, but they don't win road games. STL

DET at NE: I watched the Lions play on Thanksgiving, and they have zero chance to beat any AFC team, never mind the Pats at home. NE

SF at NO: So, I guess that talk of the 49ers making the playoffs was just a bit premature. NO

ATL at WAS: The Falcons are a mess right now, but the Redskins' new QB is no Tony Romo. ATL

HOU at OAK: Ugh. The Raiders defense has been underrated even if their offense is atrocious. 2 teams with nothing to play for, and I guess I'll go with the home team. OAK

JAX at MIA: The Dolphins are rounding into form just in time to barely miss the playoffs. I can't decide if this is more or less entertaining than when they'd start every season 7-2 and then collapse after Thanksgiving to barely miss the playoffs. MIA

DAL at NYG: It's a bird! It's a plane! It's Tony Romo! Faster than a speeding bullet! Able to draw media attention away from Terrell Owens and Bill Parcells! About due for a stinker of a game against a desperate team! NYG

TB at PIT: I've picked the Steelers almost every week, and I can't figure out why. PIT

SEA at DEN: Normally I don't go against the Broncos at home, but with a rookie QB making his first start against a competent defense, it may be a long evening. SEA

CAR at PHI: Looks like SI was wrong again with their Super Bowl pick, but the Panthers should at least make the playoffs. CAR