Now that I've officially clinched the -273 NFL Picks crown in Picks Bowl III, I can rest my starters and make some crazy out-there picks like "the Falcons will arrive in Philadelphia in the talons of an actual falcon", or "if the Eagles lose again, Michael Wilbon will cry on Tony Kornheiser's shoulder on Monday's PTI". But alas, we only pick the winners here, so here are the penultimate NFL picks:

ATL at PHI: This one could go either way. I could see the Eagles shutting down Michael Vick, and the Falcons therefore having no chance to win, but I could also see Donovan McNabb have no one to throw to without T.O. dancing in the end zone just like the past 3 years. The Falcons are a lot like the Colts though; they look impressive against the bad defenses but wilt against the good ones. 80-some-odd passing yards isn't gonna cut it this week. PHI

NE at PIT: The Steelers ended the Patriots' historic winning streak, so it's about time for us to return the favor. Add to that the fact that Roethlisburger has a noodle arm (he throws sidearmed for god's sake, what the hell is that?) and you've got all the makings of a Pats blowout, but it just doesn't feel right. Big Ben is just like 2001 Tom Brady: no passing yards but doesn't make many mistakes. Well, except for last week when he repeatedly tried to give the Jets the game but they repeatedly gave it back to him. The Pats have effectively stopped Jerome Bettis in the past besides this year's October 31st game, but I think this one will be close. NE

A few weeks ago I linked to an article about a Creationism Museum that's being built in Kentucky. I'm happy to report that this particular museum has a horrifying website, featuring a graphic of the creepiest man alive.

The site also contains a "walkthrough" of the under-construction museum, featuring computer graphics technology from the early 90's and an enlightening FAQ page. I say enlightening because one of the questions mentions that funding will come from "sacrificial donations". I don't know about you, but I don't like the sound of that.

But one of my questions apparently doesn't merit a mention in the FAQ page: How is it religiously moral to spend $25 million on a colossal boondoggle featuring creepy sculptures and hypocritical science rather than on feeding or clothing the needy? Couldn't this money be put to better use helping those less fortunate rather than building a Mecca for the Completely Nuts?

The bizarre picture of the prehistoric cat I linked to earlier, which is apparently about half the size of a Japanese businessman in a wrinkled suit, is an illustration of their alternative to Evolution. In their version, God created a few "original kinds" of animals. Todays animals are all descendants of the few species of "original" animals. Wow, that almost sounds like....evolution. But no, it's their own bizarre theory that also apparently involves Adam and Eve wearing Hawaiian leis and swimming with crocodiles.

So good news for all of you within driving distance of Hebron, Kentucky. In 2007 you will be able to plunk down $10 to see lifelike exhibits of people cavorting with Velociraptors (this page, scroll down to "Lobby Water Feature Idea"). Or here's a better idea: donate your ten bucks to charity. But whatever you do, don't support the purveyors of this.

NYJ at PIT: Last week everyone was laughing at the Jets and predicting they would bow out in the first round. They barely win one game, despite their best efforts to lose with silly penalties, and all of a sudden the 15-1 Steelers "look very beatable". They're beatable, but not by the Jets. PIT

STL at ATL: And once again, "what have you done for me lately?" strikes back. This time it's the Rams, who lest we forget went 8-8 in a terrible division who are the chic pick to upset the Falcons and the Greatest Player the Media Has Ever Seen, Michael Vick. Mr. Vick is definitely overrated, and there's no one else on the offensive side of the ball for the Falcons who is more than slightly above average, but the X-factor as usual is Mike Martz. There's a very good chance he could use all 3 of his timeouts on the first drive of the game, or not call a single running play for the entire first half. People got all excited because they won on the road last week, but they were playing the Seahawks. That's like half a win. ATL

MIN at PHI: I was all set to pick an upset in this game, as the Eagles haven't played a meaningful game in months, and without Terrell Owens they look scarily like last years team with wide receivers so bad you could leave them wide open all game. But the Vikings were lucky once, and won't be so lucky again. I will, however, give a Festival Tip 'O the Cap to Randy Moss for offending everyone without actually doing anything, then holding the most hilarious interview ever. PHI

IND at NE: And finally, the unlucky Patriots get to play the only favorite that won last week, the rolling Colts. Peyton Manning, instead of getting to victimize the one rookie DB as he did last week, will get to decide if he wants to go after the undrafted free agent, the practice squad player, the converted wide receiver, the linebacker playing safety, the veteran who did not play a down all season and was signed three days ago, or the...well...other veteran who did not play a down all season and was signed four days ago. The talking heads on TV toss the word "genius" around a lot, but if the Patriots manage to somehow win this game, it would be right up there with the Red Sox beating the Yankees after being down 0-3 in the ALCS. Bill Belichick would officially be a genius, despite his grey sweatshirts. NE

In yet another move designed specifically to get me riled up, local Kansas parents are trying to get the Blue Valley (Overland Park, KS) school board to take many many books off the required reading list. There are too many to name here, so I'll just point you to their poorly-designed website which makes liberal use of the bold tag.

Kansas parents are living in a nonexistent fantasy world where they believe things like the following statement:

While textual descriptions of heterosexual sex, oral sex, homosexual sex, anal sex, rape, and incest are not generally classified as pornography because they don't contain images, it's undeniable that descriptions of sexually-explicit scenes helps develop an appetite for more of the same.

Oh really? I recall reading I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings in high school and being horrified at the graphic descriptions of rape and incest. I don't recall ever thinking "rock on, I gotta get me some of that". The fact that parents think this is an undeniable fact just shows how absolutely completely out of touch they are with the real world.

And then there is this fantastic argument, which has its own page:

Knowing that more than one out of three 5th through 12th graders in Blue Valley have considered suicide (37.5% according to an article in the Kansas City Star), wouldn't it be wise to give required reading assignments that promoted hopeful, uplifting, and positive messages?

They go on to condemn books like Lord of the Flies for giving teenagers the impression that "life is meaningless" (have they ever met a teenager? Most of them believe this already) and House on Mango Street for this fantastic reason:

Not only do the kids hate this book, it is written at a very low level providing little literary challenge.

So kids should only have to read books they like? In that case, I would have read about three or four of the books that were assigned to me in high school. Maybe the kids should get to choose what books they read, then gives themselves an A for effort? That will give them a warm, fuzzy feeling that they've achieved so much, and then they can go on their paper route and drink lemonade with Wally and the Beaver.

And finally, I leave you with this gem from the website:

Many psychologists say that boys are typically 2-3 years less mature than girls until their early 20s. In other words, the current content of the Communication Arts program is probably having an even greater negative impact on our boys than our girls.

That, my friends, is what we call a logical fallacy. Perhaps these parents, instead of trying to Nazify the English program, should go back to school and take some classes in logical reasoning. Either that or web design.

We're finally starting to thaw out here in Kansas City, as temperatures are actually going above freezing today for the first time since last weekend. Let's hope I can continue my hot streak in NFL picks and fend off Lucas:

STL at SEA: Neither of these teams deserve to be in the playoffs, and whoever wins will lose next week. The Rams are horribly coached, but they have receivers that actually catch the ball and, for possibly the only time this season, the better defense. I hate to do this, but...STL

NYJ at SD: I actually think the Jets are the worst team in the playoffs right now. Curtis Martin may have won the rushing title, but he got most of those yards early in the season when the other teams were expecting him to break down and collapse. And a note to Lucas: Curtis Martin did not walk with the dinosaurs, but Adam and Eve did. SD

DEN at IND: As of 2 days ago, the Colts didn't scare me. Peyton Manning rolls up the yards against bad defenses, but when a good defense comes along he gets all flustered and has to actually work to score. Then Ty Law got put on IR, which means that after the Colts win this game they get to face another bad defense: the Patriots'. IND

MIN at GB: Rest easy, Lucas, this game will be a cakewalk. The Vikings ended the season with an embarassing loss, Randy Moss is half-hurt, and there is internal turmoi over Moss leaving last week's game and then not endorsing his coach in an interview this week. Plus they never win outdoors. Add it all up, and you have an easy Packers victory. Enjoy them while they last. GB

Is it just me or is that Life Aquatic movie just Royal Tenenbaums with a few different actors (and not even that many different actors)? I could barely stay awake through Royal Tenenbaums, despite it being so highly recommended by so many college kids who were probably much more indie than me. Someone forgot to tell the director that you can't just throw a bunch of crazy characters on the screen and film them saying strange things to each other. There needs to be other aspects like story, plot development, and extreme sports.

Speaking of extreme sports, I finally saw the movie XXX the other day, in which Vin Diesel does a lot of unnecessary extreme sports presumably to save the world or something. It was basically Apartment 12: The Movie without the engaging characters and with an even more ridiculous series of random scenes, such as one where Mr. Diesel jumps out of a plane with a snowboard on, lands on a mountain, causes an avalanche, and snowboards down ahead of the avalanche. It has to be seen to be believed, I can't adequately do the ridiculousness justice.

My New Year's resolution this year was to format my hard drive and reload only the essential software I use regularly (and to actually use an antivirus program, which I haven't done for the past year). Unfortunately I fulfilled my resolution (fulfilled? achieved? completed? what does one do when they actually do what they resolve to do? It usually doesn't happen, so I guess no one ever thought about it.) on New Year's Day, leaving me the rest of the year to do whatever I want.

You'll notice that I've edged out Lucas for the regular-season NFL picks crown, marking this the first year I've had that accomplishment. I will accept his challenge to continue into the playoffs though, because that seems like the sporting thing to do.

This also seems like the time to make predictions for the coming year. Everyone always recaps the previous year, but no one is bold enough to look forward:

-Lindsay Lohan will pose nude in Playboy.
-Britney Spears will get divorced.
-Ben Affleck will be in a hit movie.
-Star Wars fans will be disappointed by the new Star Wars movie yet still see it repeatedly.
-A movie I never saw will win the Best Picture Oscar.
-The Philadelphia Eagles will lose in the 2nd round of the playoffs.
-The Yankees won't win the World Series again.
-I will post more frequently and with greater quality.

I saw the movie The Aviator earlier this week. It was good, although quite overlong, and now I know who to blame for the fact that I have to fly places: Howard Hughes. "We can fly over the weather" my ass Howard, it was bumpy as hell at 30,000 feet yesterday, although we do have him to thank for the fact that our planes no longer have crash-inducing propellers.

The weirdest part is here's a guy who was afraid of germs, crowds, shaking people's hands, and such, yet in the movie he got into two gruesome plane crashes in a span of half an hour but still continued to go up in the air in planes with propellers, planes made entirely of wood, and planes in various stages of being built. Perhaps you should have been afraid of flying, dude.

Throughout the movie I couldn't help but think of the Simpsons episode where Mr. Burns buys the casino and then locks himself in the hotel room in a Hughes-esque descent into madness. It's very distracting.

Lucas and I pasted Brian in NFL picks last week, so it looks to be a 2-horse race going down the stretch.

SF at NE: Even resting every single one of their starters (who are actually 2nd-teamers on most other teams), the Pats should still be able to handle the hapless Niners. NE

CLE at HOU: Houston had a huge upset last week and is actually a respectable team. Cleveland is not. HOU

GB at CHI: The Packers don't really impress me this year (sorry Lucas), but the Bears still aren't starting Jeff George and that makes me sad. GB

NO at CAR: The winner of this game will probably make the playoffs in the NFC. That's just sad. CAR

PIT at BUF: Now we'll really see if Roethligsburgererger is really the difference-maker in Pittsburgh. BUF

MIA at BAL: And the 6-3 final score goes to...BAL

MIN at WAS: The Vikings are primed for another colossal choke, but I just can't do it. I can't pick the Redskins to beat anybody right now. MIN

DET at TEN: The Lions don't win on the road or outdoors. TEN

NYJ at STL: Both teams could fall out of the playoffs if they lose, and since this week both teams actually have something play for, the Rams will once again revert to true form. NYJ

CIN at PHI: Wow, it's Jeff Blake against his old team. Will Carl Pickens make an appearance as well? CIN

ATL at SEA: The Seahawks have a chance to complete their destiny and collapse again, but they're playing an Atlanta team that probably won't let Michael Vick even make the trip out. SEA

TB at AZ: It's Lucas' "game I don't care about of the week", no matter what he says I'm nominating this one. Now the only question is what will win the prestigious Most Hat-centric Movie of 2004? TB

KC at SD: The Chiefs have really put it together lately. This will be a tough test for the Chargers, and a good indication of how well they will do in the playoffs this year. SD

JAX at OAK: Oh Jagwires, you were so overhyped this year and you had your chance to make all those preseason Super Bowl predictions come true, but they Fragile Fred returned to his old home the injured list and you lost to Houston. JAX

IND at DEN: A real defense, outdoors, on the road, this has all the makings of...a Peyton Manning embarassment. DEN

DAL at NYG: Finish it off Eli, you've singlehandedly cost your team the playoffs. DAL