It was a pretty good year here at the Festival, the Red Sox won the World Series, the Patriots won the Super Bowl, I released an EP to much critical acclaim, and I finally got a job, but I still don't find it necessary to get wasted and celebrate the meaningless new year tomorrow night.

Instead I'll be winging it back to KC, where it's surprisingly balmy and there are no sparsely-attended half-assed neighborhood parades on local cable-access television (south Florida is truly bizarre).

It's that time of year for everyone to count down everything, from songs to movies to events to people who died. I choose to countdown the 5 worst holiday songs I heard this season:

5. "Jingle Bell Rock". Every year they play it, and every year it's horribly out of place. Christmas is not about rocking.

4. "Santa Baby". Not only is the song about unquenchable greed, but it really sounds like the woman is trying to seduce Santa Claus. There's just something horribly horribly wrong about that.

3. "Forecasting Good Cheer", at least I think that's what the song was called. It was "sung", and I use the term extremely loosely, by 2 local KC weathermen and featured many weather-related puns. None of the lyrics explained why they forecast less than an inch of snow on the day before Thanksgiving while we got over 8 inches.

2. "Here Comes Santa Claus". Somewhere between when the song was written by Gene Autry and today it got bastardized with cringeworthy lyrics like "Santa Claus knows we're all Gods children, That makes everything right" and my personal favorite "So let's give thanks to the lord above that Santa Claus comes tonight!"

1. "Mary's Boy Child". Nothing says Christmas like a Jamaican woman referring to Jesus as a "boy child". I wonder who was the baby daddy?

I was born in Orlando almost 25 years ago (good god), and back when I lived there it used to be a tiny podunk town with only 3 major theme parks within the city limits. Now it houses a huge airport and infinitely many more major and minor theme parks, and has spawned a booming cottage industry: knockoff merchandise.

Because Florida's major industry is tourism, their most successful consumer good is "t-shirts". And don't worry if you can't afford to buy one with officially-licensed characters on them, because gift shops will be more than happy to sell you ones that bear a vague resemblance to the them but on closer inspection are obvious impostors.

Take, for instance, a shirt I saw in the airport. It featured an underseascape and a large fish in the foreground that looked a lot like the main character of the immensely popular Disney-affiliated film "Finding Nemo". It said "Orlando" in a font that was more than a little similar to the font used on the Nemo movie posters, but on closer inspection the fish had lipstick on.

ATL at NO: Michael/Mike Vick just signed a 10 year contract extension, which is a typical Falcons move. Let's take the biggest injury-risk in the league and guarantee him huge bonuses regardless of whether he's able to play. Brilliant! NO

BAL at PIT: Pittsburgh looks to avenge their only loss of the year, and unfortunately it doesn't look like the Ravens have enough juice to outscore the Pirates at this point. PIT

CHI at DET: Lucas' favorite overrated linebacker is out for the season, and there are rumors Jeff George may take over the helm. Please let it be so. DET

HOU at JAX: The Jaguars absolutely have to win this game, while the Texans are already out of the playoffs. This is the time of year when the teams not playing for anything start to fade away. JAX

NYG at CIN: Have I mentioned that I love seeing Eli Manning fail miserably? CIN

SD at IND: Again Indy has to play a tough team, but again they get to do so indoors and out of the cold. They are going to be totally unprepared come playoff time. IND

BUF at SF: Did you see this Buffalo turnaround coming, because I sure didn't. BUF

NE at NYJ: I'm still trying to recover from last week's game, hopefully the Pats are as angry as I was. NE

AZ at SEA: As little faith as I have in the Seahawks (does anyone remember when they were 5-0?), I have less in the Cardinals. SEA

CAR at TB: It was a magical few weeks, wasn't it Brian Griese? CAR

WAS at DAL: Joe Gibbs has announced that Patrick Ramsey will be the starting QB in 2005. When teams make announcements about next year, it's a good sign they've packed it in. DAL

CLE at MIA: The Browns don't even deserve a sentence about them in my post this week. MIA

PHI at STL: The Eagles have lost TO, they've possibly lost Pinkston, they have nothing to play for this week, yet something tells me the Rams find a way to lose anyway. They do so often. PHI

Most of you are probably familiar with Southwest's seat reservation policy, or lack thereof. The earlier you check in, the more likely you are to get put in the "A" group, presumably so that you can board first. However, they don't tell you that they let all parents traveling with small children, where "small children" can mean "anyone still living at home", go before even the A group.

The only nonstop flights to Florida from KC go into Orlando, which you might've heard houses 2001 theme parks, themed restaurants where they joust or play jai alai, and roadside stands that sell discount tickets to the theme parks. As a result, 95% of the people flying from here to O-town are traveling with children. So by getting assigned to the A group I get to be the last one on the plane and sitting next to a screaming boy or a girl who wants to be a Disney Princess. Outstanding.

A few NFL picks in honor of the season where football is on every day:

GB at MIN: Wow did the Packers lay an egg last week. I would rub it in to Lucas, but the Patriots lost to the team with the worst record in the AFC despite leading by 11 points with 2.5 minutes to go. Somebody shoot me now. GB

OAK at KC: Now the Chiefs start playing well against divisional opponents? It's a little late for that. KC

DEN at TEN: As much as they are falling off the face of the Earth, I think I have to pick the Broncos here. But Jake Plummer will do everything he can to lose like he usually does. DEN

I apologize for my infrequent posting, but I've been working long hours in preparation for a project deadline so I haven't had much time at home on the computer. In fact, I'm off to work again right now, so here are my NFL picks for this week:

PIT at NYG: Every Eli Manning loss makes me happier and happier, and last week he hit rock bottom. PIT

WAS at SF: Ugh, this must be Lucas' coveted "game I don't care about of the week" award winner. At least with Spurrier, the Redskins were entertaining. And it's not that the Niners don't spend any money, Lucas, it's that after the mid-90's they are in such bad shape salary-cap-wise that they still have Steve Young and company on the cap and can't afford to pay anyone who's currently playing. WAS

CAR at ATL: Everyone is so quick to jump on the Panthers' bandwagon. They've still never beaten Michael Vick, and that's not going to change today. ATL

HOU at CHI: I think watching a Bears game is a form of torture. They have such a boring offense, and they won't even entertain me by putting in Jeff George. HOU

BUF at CIN: The Bengals might find it hard to throw throw throw against the Bills secondary, although they put up a good fight last week. BUF

SD at CLE: While I have been picking against both the Chargers and Steelers with shocking regularity considering their records, this week they get to play cream puffs. SD

MIN at DET: The Vikings look to be in trouble, but then I see "McMahon may get some snaps"...MIN

SEA at NYJ: For anyone who has ever seen the Seahawks play in December, this is a no-brainer. NYJ

DAL at PHI: The Cowboys have the worst secondary in the world, and the Eagles love to air it out, no chance. PHI

DEN at KC: Larry Johnson is the new running back du jour in KC, and Jake Plummer is on a bit of a downslide, but the Chiefs defense will provide a nice break for him. DEN

NO at TB: In the wacky NFC, both of these teams could make the playoffs. Wow. TB

STL at AZ: Normally I love picking against the Rams on the road and outdoors, but the Cardinals are the only team they can regularly beat these days. Plus I want them to make the playoffs so that Martz embarasses himself on national television. STL

JAX at GB: Can the Packers clinch their division this week? They have the 26th ranked defense in the league, but the Jags' offense often forgets they are supposed to try and move forward. GB

TEN at OAK: NFL "tough-guy" Steve McNair has missed almost every game this season and may retire. Doesn't sound too tough to me. TEN

BAL at IND: Ha ha ha, Manning has to go against a good defense. Have fun Peyton, no more Houston or Tennessee. BAL

NE at MIA: And the Patriots secondary circus continues with Tyrone Poole now out for the season. Maybe he will rip management, call the GM arrogant, and tote around a midget entertainer from South America. NE

Berney is in town today, so I have a special guest assistant for my NFL picks. Lucas can't complain, because I have a suspicion Lisa has been doing his picks for the past 8 weeks or so.

CHI at JAX: JAX
IND at HOU: IND
NO at DAL: DAL
CLE at BUF: BUF
NYG at BAL: BAL
OAK at ATL: ATL
CIN at NE: NE
SEA at MIN: MIN
MIA at DEN: DEN
NYJ at PIT: NYJ
TB at SD: TB
SF at AZ: AZ
STL at CAR: CAR
DET at GB: GB
PHI at WAS: PHI
KC at TEN: KC

For the first time in a very long time, I actually like a new song that's on the radio. The new Jimmy Eat World song Work is extremely catchy, especially when you compare it to the rest of the crap on the radio like the extremely overrated Modest Mouse and the White Stri-I mean the Strok- I mean Franz Ferdinand.

For those of you who enjoyed William Shatner's rendition of...well...anything, here's a website for you. Now you can hear Leonard Nimoy butcher If I Had a Hammer, Brent Spiner fumble his way through a miserable tune, and my personal favorite, Alan Rickman speak/sing a bizarre song called "Intelligence". There are also songs by David Hasselhoff and Burt Reynolds, and what celebrities-sing-bad-songs collection could be complete without Dumbledore himself singing his ode to a cake melting in the rain, Macarthur Park? And the songs by Burt Ward are just cringeworthy.

There is a new catchphrase sweeping the nation, inducing cringes amongst the sober while the inebriated giggle like schoolgirls. "Git 'er done!", popularized by one of the many redneck variety shows that have sprung up seemingly overnight, has become the heir apparent to "whazzzzzzap" as the phrase for all occasions when you have nothing intelligent to say. May the god of advertising have mercy on us all...

MIN at CHI: I'm very tempted to pick against the Vikings (as Lucas no doubt will), and would in fact do so if the Bears were starting Jeff George, but alas they are starting scrub QB #4 in their series. MIN

NE at CLE: As if to ruin any possible chance the Browns had of winning this game, their coach was just fired. NE

AZ at DET: Do I take the Cardinals, who are 1-5 on the road, or do I take the Lions, who are 1-4 at home? I take the team not starting John Navarre. DET

TEN at IND: The more points they score, the more the Colts get that false sense of security that they can outscore their defensive liabilities when they have to start playing outdoors against real teams. IND

SF at STL: As much as I enjoy picking against the Rams, they do win occasionally. And by "occasionally" I mean "at home against horrible teams". STL

BUF at MIA: If there's one certainty in this world of ours, it's that a good defense will make Drew Bledsoe wilt like my indoor bonsai plant out on the porch in the cold. But the same can be said for whoever is playing quarterback for the Dolphins this week. BUF

CAR at NO: It's about the time of year for the Saints annual collap...wait a minute, they've been collapsing since mid October. CAR

HOU at NYJ: Apparently the Jets have found a way to win even with a Chicago Bears-style quarterback tandem. The Texans are so streaky, but I don't like the road 'dog. NYJ

ATL at TB: This is where we ask ourselves, are the Atlanta Falcons really a 10-2 team capable of beating a good defense on the road? The answer, of course, is no. TB

CIN at BAL: Last week the Bengals scored 58 points. This week they will score zero. BAL

DEN at SD: Ah, another AFC West rivalry that no one cares about because neither of the teams are on the east coast. I hate to say it, but I'm finally jumping on the Chargers' bandwagon. SD

KC at OAK: Ouch, this game is a trainwreck. It's the team that can't run against the team that can't stop the run. But it's also the 2nd-ranked offense against the 26th ranked defense. KC

GB at PHI: In Green Bay, this is a totally different ballgame, but in the town where they throw batteries at you, Brett Favre will be able to power one of those big boom boxes. PHI

NYG at WAS: If there was a way both teams could lose a football game, this is the one would be it. Eli Manning looks positively awful whenever he isn't just heaving the ball down the field, but the Redskins have no offensive strengths whatsoever. WAS

PIT at JAX: Finally, we get to see how the limp-armed Roethlisberger does against a real defense. 121 yards passing and no TDs won't save you now, Big Ben. JAX

DAL at SEA: How did MNF end up with this matchup of underachieving teams? Can we switch them with Pittsburgh and Jacksonville? SEA

When I was a kid, I liked to draw. I couldn't draw very well, but I drew a lot anyway, and when I drew a vehicle it inevitably looked something like this:

A Child's Drawing of a Car

Compare this with the latest Sports Utility Gas Guzzler, the Scion xB:

The Scion xB, Apparently Designed by the Same Child

The good news is, it is easy for a three year old to draw it. The bad news is, it looks like a cardboard box. I believe we have a winner for 2004 Ugliest Car of the Year, knocking the Chevy Avalanche and Honda Element out of the top spot from 2003.

The only thing missing from the photo is the smiling face in the driver's seat. Which is appropriate because I sure wouldn't be smiling if I were forced to drive that atrocity.