A warning included in a box containing Target some-assembly-required furniture:

Cautious:
Please do not worry if still some smell from this fresh product when open it. As it is non-toxic and no dangerous while using. It will gone in few days aftere[sic] exposure in the air.


Well that's a relief.

I saw the new Nicolas Cage movie The DaVinci Code...err...I mean National Treasure this afternoon. In it he once again plays the role of Nic Cage, actor who hasn't been in a mainstream hit movie since The Rock or Face/Off.

The movie was, in my best movie-poster-blurb style, a rollicking, edge-of-your-seat adventure. Are action movies the only things ever described as "rollicking"? Nobody ever says "I had a rollicking, edge-of-your-seat day at the office today, I give it two thumbs up. Way up."

Now on to another rollicking tour through the NFL as a attempt to overtake Lucas, who made some bizarre picks this week.

CLE at CIN: At least the Bengals look like they may be slowly going in the right direction. I've never actually seen one of their games since their Sunday night debacle a few years ago, but I get the impression from idly glancing at the scores that they always play hard and never give up. CIN

JAX at MIN: Those crazy Jags, always winning games they shouldn't and losing games they shouldn't. Once constant through all of their uncertainty is that they always play close games. The question is, do I really trust the Vikings to win a close game? MIN

PHI at NYG: The bizarre Eli Manning experiment continues. I can't help but root against a guy whose father engineered his son's trade because he didn't want to play in San Diego before he took a single NFL snap. It's like giving someone a license to be a spoiled brat. PHI

SD at KC: Hoo boy did the local media rip the Chiefs a new one after Monday night's game, going as far as to blame Dick Vermeil's whining for the team's inability to beat a team with basically me and some of my friends in the secondary. Something smells like an upset here though, I just have that feeling. KC

TB at CAR: It's time for this week's edition of "heap lavish, undeserved praise on Brian Griese when he and his crappy team beat yet another inferior opponent." Who made the Bucs schedule this year? Oh wait, they're in the NFC, so there are only like 2 decent teams they could possibly play. TB

TEN at HOU: NFL.com reports that Texans quarterback David Carr may be hitting the proverbial wall. I think Joey Harrington has hit that same wall, and in neither case is it very high. TEN

WAS at PIT: One of these weeks, the Steelers will have to play from behind, and Ben Roethlisberger will be revealed for the limp-armed pretender that he is. But not this week. PIT

NO at ATL: Are the Falcons really good enough to be 9-2? I lived in Atlanta for 9 years and I saw them win 9 games maybe twice. ATL

BAL at NE: If the Ravens were healthy, I'd say they had a very good shot at beating the Patriots this week. The Pats are coming off a short week against a team with a good defense, but the Ravens offense now consists of Kyle Boller vs. the World, and in these cases the world usually wins. NE

BUF at SEA: Lucas calls this an upset, but is it really an upset for an NFC west team to lose? I mean Miami beating the Rams wasn't an upset, and neither is this, especially if Trent Dilfer makes another appearance. BUF

MIA at SF: Being in south Florida tomorrow, this is my televised 4-o-clock game this week. No Patriots-Ravens defensive showdown for me, just this foul excuse for a game. Buoyed by the highly amusing "return" of Ricky Williams, the Dolphins pull it out. MIA

NYJ at AZ: Arizona started to turn a corner, then they lost at home to some crappy team like Carolina or something. NYJ

OAK at DEN: Oakland started to turn a corner...oh wait, no they didn't. DEN

STL at GB: There is no possible way the Rams win this game, so this might be one of the ones they do win....Hahahahaha. GB

I post this evening from drizzly Florida, where every 3rd house has a tarp on the roof to cover hurricane damage, street signs are still bent like paper clips, and the top story on the evening news is rampant obesity among America's pets.

There's nothing like south Florida to remind you that, while Washington University is beset by a laptop and automobile crime wave that has been lasting for years but only now getting press, there are indeed towns where absolutely nothing ever happens. I see CSI: Miami, with drug dealers shooting it out with rappers in big mansions and trendy clubs, but this is how a real episode of CSI: South Florida would play out based on the local news:

"Speed": "H, we've got an elderly woman here crying hysterically! Get over here right away!"

(H drives up not in an absurd expensive Hummer, but in an old Cadillac that takes up both lanes of the road)

H: "This had better be important, I was cleaning my sunglasses."
Speed: "She says someone scammed her on the phone pretending to sell her cheaper long distance service."
H: "There must be a bigger crime than this somewhere, what have you got Delko?"
Delko: "Not much H, a man and a woman married their cats to each other on a boat, and obesity may be a threat to our pets' health."
H: "What about the rest of you?"
Blonde gun woman: "I've got a legal struggle going on at the courthouse, a man slipped on an acorn and is suing his neighbor for negligence. And my southern accent is totally unrealistic and out of place down here."
Medical Examiner: "You poor baby, who did this to you?"
H: "It sounds like you've got a corpse there in autopsy? What was the cause of death?"
Medical Examiner: "Well I can't say for sure, but it looks like this dog was eaten by an alligator that was hiding underneath his owner's doublewide."

Voiceover: "In next week's episode, the CSI team investigates a clear case of rising prescription prices. Will it cause your insurance premiums to go up?"

I'm taking this show on the road, so I'm posting my abbreviated Thanksgiving Day NFL picks now.

IND at DET: There's always at least one upset by the home team on Thanksgiving, will it be this game? IND

CHI at DAL: ...or this one? DAL

My dad is flying in this afternoon to go to the Patriots-Chiefs game on Monday night with Berney, Pratik, and me, so I'm doing my NFL picks a bit early this week. Hopefully I remember to do the Thanksgiving picks in time. It looks like Lucas has overtaken me, which just follows the pattern every year of Lucas falling behind, then mysteriously catching up. I attribute it to his having Lisa do his picks when he starts losing. He hasn't officially announced doing so this year, but I have a hunch...

PIT at CIN: Cincinnati has been doing well lately, and Pittsburgh is about due for a trap game loss...but then Chad Johnson pulled a Gerard Warren and ran his mouth to make sure the Steelers don't overlook the lowly Bengals. PIT

IND at CHI: This is about the time of the year when dome teams start losing outdoor cold-weather games, but I don't think the Bears' defense is good enough to hold the Colts long enough for their terrible offense to score. IND

AZ at CAR: The Cardinals are on the rise, and the Panthers still have no running game to speak of. I don't like ever picking Arizona, but this feels like one of those weeks where I'll have to. AZ

STL at BUF: Speaking of dome teams losing outdoors. It's the Rams, champions of always playing at or below their opponents' level, against the Bills, who looked positively awful last week against New England. Never pick Mike Martz in a game where there is any doubt. BUF

DAL at BAL: The Cowboys got punk'd by Terrell Owens on Monday night, and usually after a performance like that teams will step up and win a surprising game, but I think they've pretty much given up. BAL

SF at TB: Rumors of Brian Griese's resurgence are mostly premature. Anyone can carve up the Chiefs defense. It looks like he gets another cream-puff game here though. TB

DEN at NO: Speaking of beating the Chiefs, it's the Saints and wacky Aaron Brooks. Sometimes he throws passes backwards, and sometimes he throws touchdowns. Which Aaron Brooks will show up today? The same one that always does: the crappy one. DEN

DET at MIN: The Vikings need to pull out of their tailspin quickly, but they're still without Randy Moss. Anyone remember a few weeks ago when analysts were wondering if Daunte Culpepper would break Marino's TD record? It seems so long ago. MIN

TEN at JAX: The Jags continue to win without having any talent whatsoever. Fred Taylor runs wild until he gets in the red zone, Jimmy Smith is 35 years old, and David Garrard is David Garrard. Yet they could be 7-3 after this game? JAX

NYJ at CLE: A few weeks ago, the Jets were undefeated, now they're struggling to stay afloat until Chad Pennington comes back. Looks like they aren't that good after all. NYJ

MIA at SEA: Put this game in Miami and it's another loss for the disappointing Seahawks, but you just can't pick a 1-8 team to win on the road. SEA

SD at OAK: Do you think that Drew Brees remembered who he is during the bye week? Even if he did, Raiders-at-home isn't even worth considering for an upset anymore. SD

WAS at PHI: If I had a house, I would wager it against the Redskins this week. There is no possible way they will win this game. PHI

ATL at NYG: I bet Kurt Warner is secretly glad to be out of this game. Eli Manning is going to get absolutely *killed* by the Falcons d-line. And you really have to root against someone who engineered a trade before the draft so he could be on the team he wanted. ATL

GB at HOU: I just have a funny feeling about this one. Call it a hunch. HOU

NE at KC: The Patriots are *underdogs* in this game. How is that possible? They're 8-1, defending Super Bowl champions, and recently completed the longest winning streak in NFL history going against a team that is 3-6 and recently lost to the Saints and Bucs. What? NE

On Monday night before Monday Night Football, ABC showed a vignette featuring one of the actresses from Desperate Housewives (apparently another show on ABC, I've never seen it) seducing Eagles receiver Terrell Owens. In doing show, she takes off her clothes and we see her bare back as she jumps into TO's arms, and now the whole country has gone loco again. Remember the stupid Janet Jackson controversy, it's like that times ten.

It's amazing how completely hypocritical the "majority" can be. They don't want people to be gay, yet they also don't want people to be able to see a woman's back on television? They condemn the violence of video games, yet support a pointless war where real people die? America has become one giant Helen Lovejoy character, screaming "won't somebody please think of the children!" anytime someone reminds them that the "good old days" never existed.

And we're fast approaching the Christmukwanzaa season, where people of all religious beliefs become offended by everyone else's decorations. Well listen up America:

Did that offend you? Did it threaten your marriage? Did it take away the rights of unborn cells? Did it not support our troops? Did it undermine your religious beliefs? Nobody cares, worry about yourself rather than what's on television. Leave my football alone.

If you missed the Big Fat Obnoxious Boss last week on Fox after Arrested Development you missed the greatest show ever. As you probably know from the infinite number of commercials shown during the baseball postseason, and actor pretends to be a billionaire who owns a fictitious company and makes a group of yuppies straight out of b-school go through a bunch of ridiculous "competitions", presumably to win a seat on the board of his company (which, once again, doesn't exist).

During the first episode he served the business dorks chopped up spam and baloney (which they thought was pate' and commented on its smooth texture and obvious high cost), gave them convenience store champagne (once again prompting them to compliment him on the fine vintage and "bouquet", once again proving that paying a lot of money for wine is completely stupid), and made them dress up as hobos and beg on the streets of Chicago for money.

The best part, though, was that someone else actually decides who he boots off the show but doesn't tell the actor/billionaire why, so he gets to make up a reason. This week he made fun of one competitor for being short, then kicked off another because his suit was too expensive. It's like someone is finally getting to live out my dreams of messing with the b-schoolers' heads and making them suffer for their obvious fakeness.

On another spam note, am I the only one who is all of a sudden getting a bunch of emails advertising Rolex watches? Are Rolexes the new Cialis or something? Now on to the NFL picks:

KC at NO: What's the over/under on this game? Take the over, although only if Aaron Brooks throw more forwards passes than backwards ones. KC

DET at JAX: Rumor has it that Jacksonville is starting David Garrard at quarterback. Garrard was positively dreadful last year, but I don't trust Detroit on the road against a good defense. JAX

HOU at IND: Has any team besides the Colts ever been so good, yet so bad? Every week they have the potential to put up 41 points, but they also have the potential to give up 45. IND

PIT at CLE: After playing two straight undefeated teams, it's letdown week for the Steelers. Let's see if they really have what it takes to be a champion or if they're just another pretender. Upset special! CLE

TB at ATL: Lucas would kill me if I called this an upset special, but the Falcons do have such a good record. Unfortunately I still don't trust Michael Vick against a fast defense, as he's proven to be unwilling to sit in the pocket and pick anybody apart. TB

CHI at TEN: If Craig Krenzel wins another road game, then everything I've learned about football is wrong. TEN

SEA at STL: As I predicted, last week Mike Martz lost at home to a team starting an undrafted free agent, a practice squad signee, a linebacker, and a wide receiver in the secondary. Of all weeks to pass on every down, this would have been it, but instead Bulger had inexplicably attempted only 13 passes through the middle of the 3rd quarter. The Rams will never be a legitimate contender as long as Martz is the head coach, but they will be able to beat the other perennial underachiever in their division. STL

BAL at NYJ: Is it too early to label Chad Pennington "fragile"? He's better off not playing in this game, Baltimore would tear him apart. BAL

CIN at WAS: The first woofer of the week, do I pick the team whose running back throws a better spiral than the quarterback or the team that hasn't made the playoffs in 15 years? WAS

CAR at SF: Ugh, they're coming in droves now. As long as Carolina can't run the ball, they won't be successful, even against the ugly Niners. SF

MIN at GB: I know I said I'd never pick the Packers again, but there's no way they could possibly lose this game. If they do, I will never pick them again...GB

NYG at AZ: Dear Tom Coughlin, Tiki Barber is your only good offensive player. When you are ahead 14-0, you should be running on almost every down, not letting Kurt Warner fumble and get sacked. Your Friend, The Chris Hill Festival. AZ

BUF at NE: The Bills defense is improving, but Drew Bledsoe is still, dare I say, statuesque. NE

PHI at DAL: Will Terrell Owens dance on the star? Will Vinny Testaverde need a cane on the field? Can Bill Parcells pull his pants up any higher? PHI

It's week 2 of the "we lost, let's whine" show in America, and people still can't come to grips with Kerry's stunning lost to the Least Qualified President Ever. There is, of course, the usual "let's move to Canada" rallying cry that lasts a couple of weeks until they realize that in Canadia it's like 30 below zero year round and the football is so bad they let Lawrence Phillips play.

People just don't realize that we are in a backlash. After years of half-naked pop stars, we are undergoing a natural cycle back towards "morality", which in a few years will once again become unpopular. The more disturbing part is that the Republican party managed to dupe the unwashed masses into believing that their candidate stood for "old-fashioned family values" despite the fact that he lied to America and continues to send our money and lives overseas to die in a pointless war.

I guess this is the natural rebellion against Clinton's philandering and a sure sign that, along with the rise in popularity of NASCAR, the reanimation of Jeff Foxworthy, and the inevitable "bring back creationism in schools" movement, rednecks rule the world. Just remember that, like Ashlee Simpson's career, popularity is fleeting and once something becomes mainstream it never stays that way for long.

Soon it will be trendy to be intelligent again. Until then, the cars driving endlessly in circles can be strangely mesmerizing...

When Eileen was here a few weeks ago, we saw a vagrant standing on a box in the Plaza with a placard around his neck that said "The End is Near" screaming gibberish. Where did these people come from? Did anyone ever say "you know, I don't subscribe to a particular dogma or belief system, but whatever is good enough for that raving lunatic is good enough for me"?

The OC finally returned to TV this past week, so the actor who plays Ryan can once again get paid a 6-figure salary to pout. In real life, Ryan would wear all black and have a Livejournal with bad poetry and "Current Mood: Brooding. Now Listening to: Evanescence". Speaking of music now that indie has become mainstream, what will Seth listen to? If all the other rich kids listen to Franz Ferdinand, he kind of loses his source of sarcastic indie-snobbery.

The funniest part of this week's episode was when Julie had to go buy a new pony for her daughter because China (the old pony) had alopecia. I think it's about time for me to give the OC my patented scriptwriting treatment, maybe tomorrow.

Brevity is the soul of wit:

NYJ at BUF: BUF???!!!!???
WAS at DET: DET
AZ at MIA: MIA
PHI at PIT: PHI
KC at TB: KC
DAL at CIN: DAL
OAK at CAR: CAR
NO at SD: SD
SEA at SF: SEA
CHI at NYG: NYG
HOU at DEN: DEN
NE at STL: NE I know they're terribly banged up, but this is Bill Belichick coaching against Mike Martz. It's like a ferret playing chess against Deep Blue.
CLE at BAL: BAL
MIN at IND: IND

With the election coming up tomorrow, I know what most of you are thinking: "I've seen the debates and the interviews and the Swift Boat Veterans for Misleading Attack Ads, but who will win the prized Chris Hill Festival Endorsement for President?" Well your wait is over, for here I am to offer my endorsement for the Mega Man/Proto Man ticket.

Mega Man / Proto Man '04

George W. Bush may talk about being tough on rogue nations, but has he defeated even half the Robot Masters that Mega Man has? John Kerry may have three purple hearts, but did he ever have to go into a fight against Gemini Man without the Search Snake?

Bush dodged military service while Kerry protested against it. Only Mega Man went fearlessly into battle over and over again even though he knew that Dr. Wily was always waiting at the end of the line with an elaborate machine that had one glaring weakness against a weapon coincidentally obtained earlier.

And on the home front, even Mega Man's pets are superior. Can Bush's dog turn into a jet? Does either candidate have a cat that can turn into a buzz saw, destroying everything in its path?

So the choice is clear, for a candidate who won't flip-flop, take month-long vacations, or mispronounce simple words, vote Mega Man in 2004.