In a recent foray to the makeshift library, temporarily renting space from UMKC until the gigantic building across the street from me is done, I stumbled upon a book called Cracking DaVinci's Code. Most of you are I'm sure familiar with Dan "Same Plot Device in Every Book" Brown's uberbestseller The DaVinci Code. I read it last year, and found it a rollicking adventure just like the 60 bazillion people who bought it did. I picked up this particular book thinking it would delve a little deeper into the historical basis behind the novel. You could say I "judged a book by it's cover", if you will. Little did I expect that instead of a balanced factual look at the material, I would be enjoying a paranoid right-wing invective that stopped at nothing to offend anyone and everyone in its path.

According to one internet review, the authors of this book are the two top Christian Historians. That's really scary, as this book was written by two certified nutjobs who manage to take an entertaining work of fiction and turn it into an anti-religious manifesto that aims to convert our society to satanists. They take half-backed-up arguments and beat you over the head with them until you agree with them.

Along the way they manage to offend nearly every non-Christian group. They refer to the "Pagan Chinese", attempting to marginalize one of the world's largest religions. They equate homosexuality with pedophilia, pornography, and bestiality. They portray all feminists as dirty, pagan lesbians (a stereotype I thought that went out back in the 60's). And funniest of all, they refer to college professors as an army of left-wing antireligious brainwashers.

At the beginning of every chapter is a short vignette following the story of a fictitious character who reads The DaVinci Code and is tempted by her lesbian feminist roommate to participate in orgiastic pagan ceremonies in her dorm room (wasn't this what college was like for you guys?). If this was the authors' attempt at fiction, well, Dan Brown they ain't. Along the way, she learns the valuable lesson that everyone is out to brainwash her with liberal propaganda except the kind, nonthreatening Christian boy who doesn't try to force his beliefs on her (unlike this book, for instance).

After the vignettes comes the defensive ramblings, where the authors attempt to pick apart the plot of a novel. All of their statements are of course backed with strong statements, threats, and nonevidence such as "all recognized scholars and historians support this fact." And they occasionally pull out gems like "there might be hundreds of factions (religions) with their unique little agendas, but ultimately they all will eventually align themselves under two fundamental alliances: pagan monism and biblical theism." Wow. Watch out Hindus, Buddhists, and Jews. You will soon join together and renounce your previous beliefs to fight the pagan menace.

But the thing that really blows my mind is that this book isn't the only one. A quick search of Google reveals many books by Christian authors attempting to discredit The DaVinci Code. A lot of people apparently see this novel as a legitimate threat to their 2000-year-old religion, but then again so is the gay marriage bill, legalized abortion, video game violence, premarital sex, evolutionary theory, science, higher education, feminism, archaeology, etc. etc. In fact, there are so many people and things trying to convert you to paganism out there that if you're a Christian you should probably sit at home and read the bible all day, lest your apparently-paper-thin belief system be toppled by a professor or wandering scientist.

And because these crazies are the loudest Christians, they give the whole religion a bad name. Not all Christians are intolerant fundamentalists who think the Earth is flat, just like not all liberals are Michael Moore. Why don't any of the balanced, rational Christians write books? Probably the same reason that none of the nonpartisan, non-bigoted Republicans of average girth have syndicated radio shows.

When I signed on to move to KC, I was promised a rodent-free existence. In all the apartment rental magainzes and Kansas City tourism brochures, I did not see one mouse hiding behind an oven or inside a bag of chips on top of a refrigerator.

And so far the apartment has lived up to this billing. Yesterday, however, while working out at the gym in my apartment complex, I spotted a (singular) rodent scurrying around outside the window next to the pool. I am used to seeing rabbits out there, and the occasional squirrel, but obviously this mouse didn't get the same brochures that I got.

Doesn't he know he'd be much happier in St. Louis? There are tons of dilapidated buildings for him to scurry around in, and the baseball team is much better. I think next time someone comes to visit me they may be returning to the 'Lou with a stowaway...

Every once in awhile, a movie or tv show comes along that is clearly lightyears ahead of its time, such as Apartment 12: The Movie. Then there are those ideas that are horribly misguided yet somehow get made into movies anyway, such as this one.

But today, thanks to Bill Simmons' intern who has his own weekly column, I found a TV pilot that falls somewhere in between. Check out this plot synopsis, courtesy of IMDB:

The story of a man and his talking motorcycle. Jack Black plays Jack Austin, an ex-astronaut who got too close to the sun and, by the power of the yellow sun, becomes the smartest human being alive. Owen Wilson plays the voice of Heat Vision, the unfortunate combination of Jack Austin's former roommate and his motorcycle. Ron Silver plays Ron Silver, also an ex-astronaut and part-time actor, who's current job it is to take out Jack Austin. An alien name Paragon takes over the body of a chef (played by Vincent Schiavelli) and attempts to kill "all monkey tramps." They all get mixed together by a kindly sheriff (played by Christine Taylor) and hilarity ensues.

And this pilot didn't get picked up? Not even by UPN? For shame...

Apparently the music industry took notice when my EP was released this past April. Jimmy Chamberlin, former drummer of the Smashing Pumpkins, recently posted a website to announce the imminent release of an album by his new band called...wait for it...The Jimmy Chamberlin Complex.

What a "coincidence" isn't it? Mr. Chamberlin could have at least consulted me before riding my coattails to superstardom, much like author Dale Brown capitalizing on Dan Brown's The DaVinci Code. The friggin' DaVinci Code is constantly checked out of the library, so readers are fooled into thinking that Dale the Hack's books were written by Dan the Magnificient, both of them having first names that start with D. But aren't they surprised when they start reading and realize that it doesn't have Dan's patented plot twist (*spoiler*: psst: in every one of his books, the person you think is good at the beginning turns out to be bad and vice versa. shh, don't tell.).

I fear the same thing will happen when music fans go to their local Sam Goody only to find that there are no remaining copies of the newest release by The Chris Hill Festival. I therefore demand that Mr. Chamberlin and I split our record sales 50-50. The names of our respective bands are so similar, so who can really tell which CD people intended to buy, much like the ballots in Florida only neither I nor Jimmy plan to build a giant fence along the border of the US and Mexico.

Our society is becoming more and more reliant on technology, which is inherently unreliable. It's getting to the point where we expect the Link Bar of Wonder to go down for a month (and Jim to be too lazy to fix it), yet my television is infinitely more complex than the Link Bar and it actually works.

After completing a project at work involving Microsoft and spending countless hours on the phone with them trying to debug their software, I wonder if perhaps more time and money should be spent making computer software and hardware more stable rather than faster and flashier. The problem is, we the customers won't let this happen. If 2 products got released next year: Microsoft FiXP: Stable, secure XP operating system and Microsoft Longhorn: Loads of new features and interconnectivity and a redesigned interface, which do you think would sell?

People expect everything to keep speeding up and our graphics to keep getting better at the same pace that we've had for the past 20 years, but the better technology is more complex, and a competitive market means that companies must continue innovating with reckless abandon and no regard for stability. Plus, what incentive is there to design something that will last 10 years when you make more money if people replace your product every 2 years when the next hot release comes out?

Finally, thanks to Paco for pointing me in the direction of this outstanding news article about a man raised by chickens. Do you think he cares how many gigabits can be transferred over a wireless network? More importantly, is this hysterical or sad? I can't decide.

Most of you know of my affinity for Pardon the Interruption on ESPN. I can easily skip commercials on this and all other TV programs with my Tivo-like-like Device, but oftentimes with PTI I catch the beginning or the end of the break when the studio announcer mentions the sponsorships.

Once such new sponsorship is Red Stripe beer. It's Jamaican. The only reason I know so much about such a product is that it's the particular brand of lager that a co-worker used to store in the ice bins at the movie theater I worked at so he could drink them between rushes.

The reason I mention this beer, when normally I would never think of giving free advertising to any alcoholic beverage, is to point out that their new advertising campaign was apparently dreamt up by a team of chimps. Their new slogan is "It's beer. Hooray beer!" This was the best they could come up with? This slogan won against countless other possible slogans?

I'd also like to point out their high-security website. Try clicking on the US site and you're brought to a page that asks you for your country of residence and your age. I answered Burkina Faso and January 1, 1986 and voila, I'm in. This cgi lockdown will keep out exactly zero underage technogeek rebels who rage against society's "rules" by logging on to websites advertising alcohol.

But considering their target demographic is people who think "Hooray beer!" is a good reason to buy this particular potent potable, it's probably effective enough.

All our lives, we're told that stereotypes are wrong. "Girls aren't bad at science at math," we're told, "just because you're an engineer doesn't mean you're a tool." But what am I supposed to believe when I get my hair cut by a walking homosexual stereotype: floral shirt, soul patch, lisp, refers to female hair stylists as "honey" or "girlfriend"?

And this wasn't at a salon, this was at Great Clips, where for $13 they'll cut your hair as quickly as possible and occasionally give you a free digital watch or something. Maybe all engineers are social misfits who are bad at sports...

Sorry for such a short and worthless post, but Lucas, can you send me your email address? I've tried emailing you at lfox@cs but I don't know if you check that anymore. Also, if anyone wants to email me please use chris@NOSPAM.alum.wustl.edu (take out the NOSPAM. obviously). I'm experimenting with Gmail and who knows when my CEC account will get deleted, so this account will forward to wherever I currently am.

I'm back from my 4 hour odyssey. St. Louis is just as I remembered it: the Esquire is still a dump and the Reserve is still trying to turn Apartment 12 into a luxury Central West End condominium, which is quite difficult since Apartment 12 is not anywhere near what can be reasonably advertised as the Central West End.

A lot of people have asked me "what do you like about Kansas City that makes it better than St. Louis?" The obvious answer is that I wake up in the morning assuming that my car is still in the parking lot, rather than on its way to East St. Louis or in the process of being painted a different color at a chop shop.

But the less-obvious reason is the unique attractions, such as Leila's Hair Museum. I've not actually *been* to this museum, but you can't go wrong with a plug like "It could possibly be the only hair museum in the United States, maybe the world."

The museum has received nationwide press coverage from such fine publications as Ripley's Believe it Or Not ("Believe it Or Not: People pay 3 bucks to see creepy things made out of dead people's hair") and Let's Tour America-Missouri ("When you're done at Nostalgiaville, the Tan-Tar-A Indoor Water Park, and Branson, make sure to finish off your tour of Missouri at the hair museum"), and it will surely become a National Historic Site once Leila and her considerable beehive shuffle off this mortal coil and become the final exhibit.

Just another reason to visit me out here, as if you needed anything else.