Dave doesn't seem as concerned as michael and I are that our apartment is infested with vermin. Perhaps this is because Dave has not actually seen our mouse. Below is an artist's rendition of a normal mouse:

Notice its cute and fuzziness, its wee little feet, and its little whiskers. Now here is an artist's rendition of the Apartment 12 mouse:

Notice its dinosaur-like spiked tail, its giant claws for ripping flesh, its sharp teeth for gnawing on human bones, and downwardly-turned eyebrow that just screams "evil". I bet now Dave won't be so quick to welcome it and its equally-gruesome friends into our meager apartment.

Last night we discovered that, unbeknownst to us, we've been sharing Apartment 12 with a squatter. A singular mouse (and don't even comment on how mice breed quickly and never occur by themselves. I've seen one mouse; therefore, we have one mouse) has apparently taken up residence in our walls or behind our stove due to the outrageous cold we've had recently.

My parents had a similar problem in North Carolina, and they purchased standard-issue mousetraps, but none of us relish the idea of having a dead mouse lying around. At least with a live mouse, there is still the possibility that it will leave on its own accord once it finds a better place to live (such as Apartment 13). A dead mouse isn't going anywhere unless we remove it, not a fun job.

Luckily for us, Rachel has agreed to research ways to de-mouse Apartment 12 humanely (although our idea of having her loan us Elliott seemed humane enough to me).

I therefore respectfully submit this list of ideas to Rachel:

-Build this trap, which is not only humane but will do us the additional favor of catching any hamsters or shrews that we have roaming around. And it definitely works, as evidenced by this gallery of caught mice.

-Obtain PETA's cute and cuddly "smart mousetrap" that even looks like a wee little house. Blood for hurling onto mouse-fur coat-wearers not included.

-Train Elliott to chase the mouse out our front door. Although perhaps by the time said training occurs, we will have an army of mice that could overwhelm a single cat.

-Leave a trail of cheese from our front door to that of Apartment 13, although this may have the unwanted effect of bringing Apartment 13's resident mice to join ours.

Besides the ice and killer static electricity, the other bad part about winter is that requires using the heat. This, in turn, quickly sucks all the humidity out of our apartment like some sort of giant desiccator. My sleeping experience is greatly impacted by this phenomenon, in that I often wake up a ridiculous number of times per night either deathly thirsty or with a sore throat.

The easy solution to this problem is to somehow obtain a humidifier, preferably for free via download from the internet, but barring that by purchasing one at Target. Does anyone currently use a humidifier to hydrate their apartment that they'd like to recommend/disrecommend?

Eileen's architecture assignment this weekend was to write a poem about a potential art gallery on Skinker (and here I am wasting my time with edge detection algorithms and Master's theses). Being a good boyfriend, I decided to do her work for her, but so that she doesn't get in trouble I'm posting it on the internet so everyone in her class also has a chance to copy off of me.

Without further ado I present...

Ode on an Orange and White Barricade

On the corner of Skinker and Forest Park, 3 stories and made of brick
Inside we peddle our poorly-done wares, while outside hookers turn tricks

The windows face north, which saves on the heat, and provides a very nice view
Unfortunately they've torn up the road, so we'll see a crane until 2022

Gallery below, living quarters on top, 30 long by 40 feet wide
And since it's located right near WashU, drunk students will piss on the side

Architecture's about designing in context, and since the location's not prime
We'll put bars on the windows and bolts on the doors: in the 'Lou our context is "crime"

This evening I spent the better part of an hour attempting to dig my car out of a sheet of ice so that I can use it tomorrow morning. This being my 6th year in St. Louis, I've gotten somewhat accustomed to the cold, but this is the first year that the ice on my car was thick enough to skate on.

Chipping away at the thick ice made me feel like those guys that discovered a frozen caveman, although without the proper equipment. Sadly I did not find a Neanderthal man or saber-toothed tiger when I was finally able to scrape it all away, just a car in need of gas.

This is now the most bizarre news story I've ever seen. It has everything you could want.

In a former life (about 3 years ago), I was just about the biggest Smashing Pumpkins fan there is. I had many many shows on CD and cassette (from back in the day when the brand of cassettes you bought determined whether people would trade shows with you), and I had just about every available song they'd ever performed or recorded.

Then the band broke up, and I kind of lost interest. Zwan was ok, and I even have a few of their shows, but the best Zwan stuff wasn't even as good as the middle-of-the-road Pumpkins material. It's hard to explain, since the same guy wrote the songs, sung the songs, and there was even the same drummer, but it just didn't catch my fancy the way the Pumpkins did.

Lately I've been digging out my old discs, though, and it's like rediscovering it all over again. I keep waiting for some new band to rise up and take the reins as far as becoming my favorite band, but I don't think it's going to happen. I guess I'll have to wait until "late 80's/early 90's" comes back into style the way that "60's garage rock" has.

Last night this humble website was besieged with about 50 comments originating from the same IP address. The comments, usually trite catchphrases like "buildings burn, people die, but real love is forever" or quotes from famous people, all pointed towards a single website that, judging from its domain name, seems to be a purveyor of kiddie porn.

I managed to delete all of them and ban the IP address from commenting again, but that won't stop the next enterprising pornographer from adopting a similar tactic. Does anyone have any suggestions for keeping the spam in my inbox and out of my weblog?

We've apparently not yet reached critical mass of Xtreme Sports movies, since this past weekend brought us "Torque", a classic tale of murder, revenge, and people with Xtreme attitudes getting into mildly Xtreme situations on Xtreme, tripped-out bikes while doing some Xtreme product placement.

It wasn't too long ago that I was a testosterone-fueled, 17-year old cruising the strip in my pimped-out ride chugging an Xtreme Mountain Dew while looking for fly honeys*, yet I don't remember ever being at the age or mindset where this movie would appeal to me. But if, like me, you aren't stoked about this film, don't worry:

XXX2 begins filming this summer.

*Events may or may not have actually occurred

As you may recall, Apartment 12 has been besieged with a few squirrel problems in the past. It seems that the furry rodents not only love our gear assemblies and our back deck, but also the roof of our building. Yesterday, David and I noticed a squirrel repeatedly ascending the back stairs carrying sticks in its mouth. When I went outside later, I saw where the squirrel was headed: a large hole in the roof of the building. The squirrel most likely has a nest in the space between the roof and the ceiling of the 3rd floor apartments, right where Lucas used to live.

I posted the other day about having to use superglue to repair my guitar. I obtained said glue yesterday, and in opening the bottle I managed to coat 2 of my fingers in it. Not having any acetone handy, I was forced to go through the whole day without being able to feel anything with either finger. Weird.

Lucas posted recently about the new McDonalds ad campaign. A group he forgot to mention is "Soccer Moms", in which a lame Sheryl Crow/Jewel style singer sings dumb lyrics while the mom bribes her children to behave with an empty McDonalds bag. I'll bet the kids won't be "Lovin' It" when they realize that the mom lied to them and that the bag was empty. A better ending to the commercial would be if the person turned out to be a kidnapper luring the kids to their doom with the empty McDonalds bag.

Patriots-Colts is today at 2 Central, finally ending the week of Peyton Manning's deification. My predictions? The cold and snow slow down the Colts' offense enough for a Patriots victory 24-20, while the Eagles are once again thwarted right before the Super Bowl. Panthers 30, Eagles 17.

While restringing my guitar this afternoon, a piece of plastic broke off the neck. It's never good when restringing your guitar involves superglue, and I think that it has about outlived its usefulness.

The Peavey Raptor and I have had a long, rich history, all the way back to senior year of high school when I bought it used for $99 and started a band with 3 or 4 other people who didn't know how to play their instruments. Over the years I've gotten marginally better, but the Raptor is starting to show its age.

Now that I've accepted the new bling-bling job, I think it's time to reward myself with a new guitar. That means a trip to the guitar superstore where I get to bug the people to let me play the expensive guitars that I can't afford.

Please don't ask to buy the Raptor off of me when I do replace it, though. About 10 people have already claimed it, and it will be hard to part with such an old friend.

Now that I have a job lined up for when I graduate, I can finally afford one of life's great delicacies: cashews. So tasty, yet so expensive, I can now join the ten richest kings of Europe in being able to indulge.

-The Rams are the worst-coached team in the NFL. This week everyone will rip Mike Martz for not going for the win with a minute and 2 timeouts left in the game (which was a shock, since usually he wastes his timeouts in the first and third quarters), and rightfully so, but it goes beyond that. It's often said that a team takes on the personality of its coach, and ever since Martz has taken over the team has been sloppy and undisciplined. Losing to the Lions in week 17 not only cost the team home field advantage throughout the playoffs, but it ended the season on a down note against a weak opponent. All season the Rams seemingly didn't prepare for the lesser opponents and would try and sleepwalk through games, and it finally bit them in the ass. Martz's mincing, fraidy-cat approach to the end of regulation showed how much he just didn't trust his own players to make plays and not make mistakes, and this never bodes well psychologically. He may be an "offensive genius", but he's got a lot to learn about getting his team up for game day.

-Speaking of fraidy-cat mincing, the Packers lost their game this week the same way. 4th and 1 late in the 4th quarter on the Eagles 30-something yard line with a 17-14 lead. If they gain one lousy yard then the game is likely over, since the Eagles have 1 timeout left. Instead, they punt it away. Lucas, I hope this poor display of decision-making does not represent all Wisconsinites...

-My car is not Hemi-powered, and I am less of a man for it.

-The announcers of the Patriots-Titans game apparently decided beforehand to annoint Titans RB Eddie George as the unholy combination of Jesus, Moses, Mohammed, and Buddha. During a 16 carry-48 yard performance in which he never broke a run longer than 9 yards, they would consistently remark on how he was "always leaning forward to gain the extra yard". In most cases, this extended his ineffective run from 1 yard to 2 or 3.

-As fantastic as Peyton Manning was and as unequivocably bad as the Chiefs' defense was in never even forcing the Colts to punt, it has been overlooked that the Colts D never forced the Chiefs to punt either. Were it not for a Priest Holmes fumble caused by his own distraction rather than a big hit and a missed chip shot field goal, all that offense would have led to a loss and everyone would be talking about how bad their defense was. Still, hopefully the Patriots will be able to put up a better fight this week than the Chiefs cornerbacks did. It's one thing to make Manning make perfect throws, but why are teams still giving Marvin Harrison 10 and 15 yard cushions from the line of scrimmage?

-On this week's episode of The OC...

Today in the very local newspaper (Rachel, I'm sure this makes the MU Student News look like the Washington Post), there was a blurb about an old man who (I couldn't make this up even if I tried) tripped over an acorn and was wondering who to sue.

This is exactly the reaction I'd expect in a town where you can't watch TV for more than 5 minutes without seeing shady lawyers practically begging you to get hurt so they can defend you in court. As bad as it is in St. Louis with the famous Pirate Eyepatch Lawyer, it is ten times as bad here where there are many old people who actually do get hurt very frequently.

At some point the courts need to strongly define "negligence", which is the only way you should be able to sue if you get hurt. Here's one possible definition: homeowners should only be liable for things they could and should have reasonably prevented. Skateboard in the street, for example, is something that could and should have been prevented. Acorns from a tree, on the other hand, is not.

Should the person constantly stand under the tree and wait for an acorn to fall so they can pick it up and throw it away? Should they surround the tree with caution tape and big signs that say "Caution: Acorns"? No. There is no reasonable way (besides the person who fell down actually looking where they're walking) to prevent this.

I hope this person wastes thousands of dollars taking this case to court, and then I hope they lose. Or at least I hope that the judge yells at them and throws the case out, a la Judge Judy.

Besides looking for shoes, I've also been on the lookout for a new pair of jeans, as the ones I have now are frayed and shredded at the bottom from walking around the apartment without shoes. Upon visiting a few stores, it seems that the current style of jeans is pre-ripped and pre-dirtied.

It seems silly to spend $25 on a pair of jeans that look worse than the ones I'm trying to replace. The jeans I currently own are not really dirty, but I could change that quite easily. Finally, after enduring years of capri pants and bowling shoes, the fashion world is seeing things my way. For my next trick I will bring denim jackets and hypercolor shirts back in style. I love the 80's.

Governor Schwarzenegger (I still can't get used to that) has been in the news lately warning of a "judgment day" of sorts in California. It seems that the economy over there is in big trouble (Charlie, I'm looking in your direction...), and the Governator is slashing the budget to try and right the ship in time.

Besides the frequent rants, I also like to use my webspace to solve the worlds problems. Therefore I propose the following solution to California's lack of funds:

California, 2006: After a particularly violent earthquake, the state of California breaks off from the west coast of North America and drifts out to sea. With Stanford and Caltech out of the picture, WashU is now ranked 7th in US News and World Reports.

California, 2007: Armed with only a shotgun and a pair of sunglasses, Governor Schwarzenegger brings justice to the rioting and lawlessness that had erupted in the state and declares independence for the Nation of California.

Nation of California, 2008: In order to increase government revenues, the fledgling nation begins to export their only "useful" product: Apple Computers. When this idea fails because Apple's core customer group are the hippies who already live in California, the state offers its name to the highest-bidding corporate sponsor.

Intel Presents: The Nation of California, 2010: Dictator for Life Schwarzenegger sends the $15 billion from the Intel corporate sponsorship deal back in time to 2004 in order to save the state, but little does he know that another group also has designs on the cash, and that they've sent back one of their own...

Today's leg of the Quest for Shoes that Don't Squeak took me to the most hit-or-miss store on the planet: Marshalls. Marshalls definitely wins the award for cheapest shoes, since they usually carry last season's styles at a significant discount. Since I don't care about style, and prefer instead to wear shoes that were in style 4 or 5 years ago but that I know are made well and last a long time, this is usually ideal.

However, most days the wearable shoes have been picked clean from the rack, leaving only the ones that are oddly sized or that I wouldn't wear if you paid me. Today was definitely one of the latter days, as the aisles were overflowing with those shoes that are made to look like bowling shoes but don't have the wacky sliding soles that normal bowling shoes have. No matter how trendy they were, or how many indie musicians wore them, I never did care for the style one bit.

And in other, non-shoe-related news, Pete Rose continues to cement his reputation as the greasiest slimeball there is. For a long time I've held the belief that he should be in the Hall of Fame because of his playing career but shouldn't be let near a baseball diamond ever again, but the more I see him shamelessly hog the spotlight, profiteer, and lie to everyone within range, I hope he never gets voted in. They shouldn't keep him out because of this stuff, since after all Ty Cobb is in and he was by all accounts a jackass, but let's just say I won't be disappointed if Commissioner Bud doesn't cave to the bizarre public sentiment in his favor.

Ha ha, I love getting everybody all riled up. When I watch Pardon the Interruption here at home, my Mom always complains from the other room: "Those two again? All they ever do is argue." Arguments are great. If court were more like PTI, with the prosecutor taunting the defendant and making fun of the judge, I would want to be a lawyer.

But anyway, today I got to take a trip to my least favorite place on Earth: the mall. I have worn the same pair of shoes every day for the past 3 years, and for the last 2 years and 363 days the shoes have squeaked every time I take a step. So having nothing better to do, I went to the mall.

First of all, I can't understand why anyone would shop at the mall. It's a well-known fact that all stores there are overpriced. At any mall music store, for example, CDs that you can get at Best Buy across the street for $11.99 cost 18 bucks. Everyone knows this is too much. Even suckers like me who don't download music and still buy CDs would never spend that much. And they don't even make up for it in selection, since they mostly carry only the popular "top 40" artists.

But most of all, I can't figure out department stores. Back in the twenties, or whenever the first department store came about, these were a great convenience to consumers who could get all of their stuff in one place. The mall was a destination far from home where you would go maybe 2 or 3 times a year.

But nowadays in our shop-a-holic culture, we go shopping for stuff every day. Does anyone really think "well I need a pair of jeans, a rotary saw, and a washing machine, and I can only go to one store!" We would get the jeans at a clothing store that had the best selection and prices on clothes, then we would get our saw at Home Depot or Lowe's, then we would get the TV at Best Buy or Circuit City. Each of these stores, thanks to volume purchasing, can give us both the best selection and a better price than a department store.

And since everyone has a car, and there is every kind of store within 5 minutes of everywhere (even our top-of-the-mountain cabin in North Carolina), the convenience just isn't worth the lack of selection and markup anymore.

I can't see how a department store has any kind of competitive advantage anymore, and I can't figure out how any of them stay in business. I've heard that Sears' biggest income these days is from the credit card that they offer, so why not just give up the department store thing altogether? As our non-department-store generation grows older, I have a feeling they'll be forced to do just that.

I'm back from my accidental 2-week vacation. First I had strange technical problems and was unable to log in to movabletype for a week, then I was out of town in North Carolina where we did not have a phone line for a whole week. Picture 2 days with no TV, 6 days with no telephone, and 7 days with undrinkable water and you've got how I spent the last 7 days of my life.

So it's time to do a bit of catch-up here. Merry Christmas and Happy Kwanzaa everybody! [Insert usual rant about New Year's here and how it's a stupid "holiday" that is just an excuse for decadent Americans to make fools out of themselves and drink until they puke all over themselves.]

One thing I noticed in my time off the grid in holy roller NC is that the usual "church and state" rules don't really apply there. There were manger scenes and shamelessly false "Jesus...the Reason for the Season" signs everywhere. This is in stark contrast to the mayor of somewhereorother, Alabama or whatnot that got sued for having a Christmas scene in a public square.

Normally I'm all in favor of making radical religious wackies practice their faith privately rather than all over billboards and such, but come on people. By the time podunk circuit court sees this case it will be March, and the controversial and offensive Christmas tree will be in a controverial and offensive storage shed somewhere. Are people really offended by Christmas decorations? Are there people out there who have so little to worry about in life that they have the time to file legal suits against people who hang up lights? GO GET A JOB!

The anti-religion people are getting to be as bad as the pro-religion people. It's a good thing that, say, our government doesn't force everyone to practice a certain religion. It's a bad thing to waste the courts' time doing stuff like trying to remove "under God" from the pledge of allegiance. Does anyone really believe that the pledge is a prayer? Would it kill people who believe in our country but not a divine deity to just skip the God part while everyone else says it? Is it possible to resolve such issues personally without making a fool of yourself on CNN and cause raging debates with Chris Matthews?

These people are as bad as the dumbasses that sued McDonalds because they were overweight. If you don't like the fact that your mayor is of a certain religion, then elect someone else next time. If he puts a Christmas tree out on the lawn and you don't like it, TOO DAMN BAD. If having to drive to work each day past a Christmas tree rather than a giant menorah or a Kwanzaa decoration of some sort is the worst thing that happens to you in life, I say you've got it pretty good.