For years I have been railing against the cell phone companies and their ridiculous collusionary tactics and absurd plans. But after Eileen got a new phone the other day and I found out that you can hack it to play an mp3 of Got to Get Her Out as the ring tone, I started to rethink my decision to continue using an expensive and outdated brick of a phone which I never turn on.

But then I talked to the Verizon reps who were peddling their wares at work today, and I was reminded all over again why cell providers were one of my original arch-nemeses. None of them care the least bit about providing plans that make sense for their customers, because it's much easier to employ confusing pricing plans and false advertising, then sign you up for a long term contract to make sure you can't switch to a competitor.

Take, for instance, the 450 minute America's Choice Calling Plan, which is advertised for $39.99 a month (although I get a discount). First of all, your rate is variable depending on who and when you call, which has been the hallmark of every cell phone plan since the things were invented. Apparently the long-distance-provider model of pay for the minutes you actually use is too simple and easy-to-understand for cell phone customers, who prefer to maintain their minute balance and monitor the time of day as they jabber away while driving their oversized vehicles.

But the most dishonest part of all is that, above and beyond the quoted monthly charge is the tiny print at the bottom which reads "gov't taxes and our surcharges could add 8% to 28% to your bill". Now wait a minute, it's one thing to not include government taxes, but their own surcharges? Shouldn't that be part of the price they quote as their monthly charge? Best Buy isn't allowed to advertise a TV as costing $250, and then when you go into the store tell you that it really costs $350. So why are cell phone companies allowed to?

And then there is their definition of "nighttime", which is 9:01 PM to 5:59 AM. Apparently in Verizonland, the sun shines for 16 hours a day.

So if I do end up getting a cell phone, I will be kicking and screaming all the way. I hate giving these hucksters my hard-earned money, especially since they've gone absolutely nothing to earn it.