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Locked Out
Here at the Festival, I've decided to take one from Schnucks' playbook and lock out all of my employees. Because of this, I will need replacement employees for the following positions:
Copy Editor
Graphic Designer
Editorial Writer
Daily Beat Writer
Dancing Monkey
Keep in mind, your period of employment lasts until I decide to end the lockout, which is the craziest part of this little grocery store escapade, in my opinion.
The normal employees were upset, threatened to walk out, then got locked out, but would it really be that hard for the Schnucks company to just hire all new workers? Everyone is looking for a job these days, and it doesn't exactly take a Master of Science to scan items in the checkout aisle (and I should know, I held this position at a Kroger food store in Georgia for 3 weeks). Why, though, would someone take a job that will end without warning sometime very soon? Obviously they need the money, but Schnucks always has a Now Hiring sign up, why not apply for a job before all this mess happened?
I crossed the picket line today, as my lunch today consisted of a smoothie due to my lack of food. As Bart Simpson would say, I was even out of all the basic elements of food, having eaten all the tarragon and drunk all the soy sauce. The picket line wasn't much of one, though, as it consisted of one guy standing out by the street with a placard on, who wasn't even really paying attention to anything. I would feel much worse about supporting an evil and heartless corporation if not for the fact that I needed food. Schnucks supplies me with reasonably-priced foodstuffs on a semi-weekly basis, what have their employees ever done for me?
Comments
I would like to apply for the positions of Graphic Designer and Dancing Monkey, combining my design skills and my damn good imitation of a primate (seeing as how I already am one). But what about my health insurance? I don't want to pay for any part of it. Because being a dancing monkey is a very skilled position. Not just anyone can be a good dancing monkey. Just look at the guys in NSync.
Also, the question remains as to where the picketers actually buy their own groceries. Surely they're not all driving over to Illinois or frequenting the "I'm small and overpriced, despite my inferior selection" grocery stores. It would be ironic indeed if they went to Walmart ("we hate our employees") for their food.
Posted by: Eileen at October 12, 2003 9:59 PM
I've always wanted to be a daily beat writer...
Posted by: Nathan at October 12, 2003 11:20 PM
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