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A Short History of Debaliviere
I saw a sign today on Debaliviere Ave. down by the intersection of Delmar that said "Welcome to the Historic Debaliviere Neighborhood". I wasn't aware that our little area had such a rich and diverse history, but I did a little research. I present to you, a short history of Debaliviere:
1452-1519 - Leonardo da Vinci sketches air transport vehicles, cites as his reason "quicker way for man to get from Paris and Rome to Debaliviere".
April 30, 1803 - U.S. acquires Debaliviere along with a whole bunch of other less-consequential land in the Louisiana Purchase in order to establish a key fort to defend against Canadian invasion.
April 12, 1861 - Bloody Civil War begins when northern and southern states argue over whether Debaliviere Neighborhood will have slavery. War ends when a northern army surprises and massacres a battalion of southern soldiers who are attempting to order food from Chinese Express but are unable to get across that they want a "full order" of hot braised chicken rather than "four orders" of hot braised chicken.
1904 - St. Louis World's Fair takes place in Forest Park. Debaliviere hosts the future pavillion, called "Tomorrowland", which features glimpses of life in Debaliviere in the year 2000. People drive around in flying cars, the city is enclosed in a giant glass bubble, and safety glass is invented so that car thieves don't hurt themselves when smashing your windows.
1908 - Henry Ford mass produces the Model T. Two days later, the first incident of car theft in history occurs in Debaliviere when vandals take advantage of a stuck parking gate to push the car out of the lot and down the road into East St. Louis, where they scrap it and sell the parts to buy gold jewelry.
October 29, 1929 - Stock market crashes, hundreds of wealthy businessmen jump out the windows of Apartment 12.
August 12, 1938 - German military mobilizes in preparation for World War II. Secret U-Boat invasion of Debaliviere is only thwarted years later when the Germans surface in the Mississippi River and immediately begin gambling at the President's Casino. They lose all of their war funds within hours.
February 15, 1946 - ENIAC formally dedicated in Pennsylvania. Used by the government to calculate missile trajectories of nuclear warheads fired from secret underground silos in Debaliviere.
1947 - Aliens crash land in Roswell, NM after taking a wrong turn. After years of government interrogation, it is discovered that the aliens were in fact looking for Dirt Cheep Beer and Liquor, which apparently really is the last refuge of the persecuted smoker.
July 20, 1969 - First human walks on the moon and plants a U.S. flag, declaring that the journey is "One Small Step For Man, One Giant Leap for Debaliviere".
August 22, 2003 - U.S. News and World Reports ranks Washington University as the 9th best school in the country, cites proximity to Debaliviere as their primary reason for moving WashU so high in the rankings.
And even the future looks bright...
April, 2010 - First fusion-powered car is stolen from Debaliviere lot.
August, 2013 - Government finally reveals that giant "cell tower" off of Waterman and Clara is actually a weather-control device, the testing of which has caused St. Louis' unpredictable weather patterns for the past 30 years.
September, 2023 - Metrolink expansion is finally completed.
March, 2045 - Forest Park Parkway is finally repaved, although it is rendered irrelevant as humans now pilot flying cars.
April, 2053 - St. Louis reaches critical mass of manhole covers, which cover every square inch of roadway and begin to spread to sidewalks, parking lots, and grassy areas.
Comments
August 27, 2003 - Word leaks that a graduate computer science major living in the Debaliviere area, namely Chris Hill, has too much time on his hands. Angered and embittered by a seemingly endless workload, a group of architecture students unite against the computer science majors. An angry, torch-wielding mob marches from Givens to the CEC and seizes control. In the ensuing chaos, only the Rosedale apartments are left standing. The university is forced to cancel classes for the year and end all road construction within a 5 mile radius of the school.
Posted by: Eileen at August 27, 2003 3:17 PM
I'll just say what's on everyone's minds: You guys are clearly perfect for each other.
Posted by: Rachel at September 2, 2003 2:54 PM
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