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Jesus Loves You! (Unless You're Gay, Hindu, Atheist...)
I have found the most offensive site on the web, and it is here, a page which claims to offer an "objective Christian perspective" (thanks to Bob and Loren for sending it my way), although clearly "objective" is a subjective term here.
It's clear from the very beginning that this site is highly amusing, as they use such colorful language to refer to the "anti-Christian forces working inside Lycos, Inc.", but then it continues with a "cult alert" featuring equally colorful language: "For the safety of your soul, do not be tempted by the lure of impulse rock chip repair from strangers in parking lots. It may say free, but it could cost you your soul!"
Even the ads aren't objective! One at the bottom of the homepage advertises a company called "Straight Pride" which contains the offensive slogan "We're here, we're normal, get used to it".
The other sections on the site are equally humorous, and will get their own headings.
If You Own a Mac, You Are Supporting Satan! James and Charlie are Heathen Scum!
You CS majors out there will enjoy reading this page, which details, among other things, how Apple's Macintosh is a demonic campaign to convert America's youth to atheism and evolutionism! It contains these gems:
Chained to Evolutionism: Pokemon's pro-Darwinism propaganda is inescapable
The real operating system hiding under the newest version of the Macintosh operating system (MacOS X) is called... Darwin! That's right, new Macs are based on Darwinism! While they currently don't advertise this fact to consumers, it is well known among the computer elite, who are mostly Atheists and Pagans. Furthermore, the Darwin OS is released under an "Open Source" license, which is just another name for Communism.
Nothing like wild generalizations to really lend credence to your point.
the Darwin OS mentioned above now has a cartoon mascot (no doubt to influence children) named Hexley (pictured above) -- a platypus dressed as a devil who performs occult magic, i.e. hexes.
Ack! It's easy to support your wild theories when you make up your own word origins. Hexadecimal, anyone...
This OS [BSD Unix] -- and its Darwin offspring -- extensively use what are called "daemons" (which is how Pagans write "demon" -- they are notoriously poor spellers: magick, vampyre, etc.) which is a program that hides in the background, doing things without the user's notice. If you are using a new Macintosh running OS X then you probably have these "daemons" on your computer, hardly something a good Christian would want! This clearly illustrates that not only is Macintosh based on Darwinism, but Darwinism is based on Satanism.
"Using that logic, I could say this rock keeps tigers away." "Lisa, I want to buy that rock..."
the new MacOS X contains another Satanic holdover from the "BSD Unix" OS mentioned above; to open up certain locked files one has to run a program much like the DOS prompt in Microsoft Windows and type in a secret code: "chmod 666". What other horrors lurk in this thing?
Wow...
For instance, an industry standard connection for peripherals is idiosyncratically retermed "FireWire" (or should we just be honest and call it "HellFireWire"?) while the familiar Recycle Bin is given its new cult name of "Trash Can".
Hahahaha. I hate to break it to this guy, but Apple's cultish "trash can" predates Microsoft's recycle bin by, oh, a decade or so. This page is almost enough to make me switch to Mac...
The Mall Mission: Spreading Misinformation Wherever We Go
The Mall Mission page contains important instructions for how to harass fellow shoppers at local malls. But most importantly, it sheds light on the evils of purchasing things.
Christmas is a Christian holiday celebrating the miraculous birth of Jesus the Christ, Son of God, Lord and Savior of Mankind.
Wrong, wrong, a thousand times wrong. Christmas was originally a pagan holiday that Christians adopted for their celebration.
The most important part of this page, though, is the explanation of how the individual stores in the mall are seeking to drive us away from God through their names...
J.C. Penny - The J.C. makes us think of Jesus Christ, thus associating our Lord with the lowest monetary value, the penny (even Judas valued Him at 30 pieces of silver!).
Sears - What the flesh of the damned does in Hell. It also sounds like "seers", Pagan mystics who engaged in occult premonitions.
Cinnabon - Sounds like "Sin Upon".
Orange Julius - Named for the Pagan Emperor of Rome. This company's mascot was once a devil, until they changed it to hide their true intentions.
Hot Topic - A recent store aimed at children that openly sells devil paraphernalia. Any guess as to why "hot" is in their name?
Hallmark Gold Crown Stores - Purveyors of Santamas tree ornaments depicting anthropomorphized woodland creatures (reference to Evolutionism) and Harry Potter merchandise.
And what would this section be without crazy generalizations:
Secularized teens usually can't read too well, so hand out colorful stickers instead of pamphlets.
Halloween
The page suggests that in order to "take back Halloween", we should dress as biblical figures and give monologues in character to children who come by asking for candy. However, "it would be inappropriate to appear at your door as pre-Fall Adam or Eve or as a Sodomite." Inappropriate but damn funny...
And check out the hilarious scary John the Baptist costume photo.
Brainwashing UR Kidz
But possibly the scariest and most offensive part is the "4Kidz" page (make sure you have your sound turned on when you go here and click and mouseover "Lambuel"'s head...), which teaches children, among other things, that:
-Lions and lambs can not only live together in harmony, but also marry each other.
-Hindus (portrayed as stereotypically offensive as possible as an elephant dressed in a sari) are a confused and lost people because they have "too many gods".
-Atheists (portrayed as a coffee-drinking goat) are DANGEROUS! If you see one (because you can easily tell someone's religion just by looking at them), TELL YOUR PARENTS RIGHT AWAY! You should also avoid talking to them, because they often lash out at children.
-Dinosaurs are still alive and the Earth is only 10,000 years old, or so says a cartoon giraffe in a lab coat.
You can also shop in their store and purchase "abstinence shorts" (aka boxer shorts), a "matrimony thong", a mug portraying Jesus petting a Tyrannosaurus Rex, a mousepad that claims that God designed your hand the way he did so you could operate a mouse (I won't even begin to discuss the logical fallacy here...), and "Sergeant Al, the Anti-Lies Military Bear".
This post is already insanely long, but there is so much more offensive and humorous material here. I hope you're not reading this post on a heathen Macintosh...
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