I feel it is my duty as a voice of the WashU community to inform you all on this important matter. Right now, operating within our school, is a mystic society so secret that only a few select members are chosen for it every year. After a torturous hazing session, the group maintains a low profile until the period of "November through May", during which they don bright yellow jackets adorned only with the mark of the spade. Up until now, the group's purpose has been shrouded in secrecy, but I'm here to reveal to you their true mission: to guard the athletic complex parking lot.

I am, of course, speaking of Thurtene, our local "honorary society" where the judgment of worthiness is based on whether or not you are a member of the Sigma Chi fraternity. Apparently this group is so elite that it takes the majority of the members sitting on a couch smoking and listening to blaring country music to guard a fenced-in lot. It's a good thing that we've picked out the best and brightest from the whole junior class to perform this task, since it is a job far too dangerous for the average student. And in exchange for this hard labor, the members are rewarded only with the feeling of goodness that comes from performing a service for their country. That, fame, and a custom-made North Face jacket with a cost that probably runs into the hundreds of dollars.