In case you missed last night's Man vs. Beast showdown on FOX, it looks like the end of the line for Man. Our best eater can't outeat a bear, our finest sumo wrestler cannot out-tug an orangutan, our faster sprinter would be easily caught by a zebra, and even 50 of our most powerful midgets are weaker than a single elephant.

The only conclusion I can draw from this is that Man's reign on Earth is nearing the end. How much longer will it be before the animal kingdom gets a hold of the master tapes from this show and realizes that they can easily best us? The only chance we have to avoid a monkey-ruled police state a la Planet of the Apes is to set up huge obstacle courses throughout our cities and major thoroughfares, as this was the only event that the beasts lost.