aign will be all about.

-First of all, no business suits. Ever. For my public appearances I'll be dressed as I normally am: in wrinkled t-shirts purchased at ska/punk concerts and tattered jeans or cargo pants.

-Secondly, monkeys, lots of monkeys. People like monkeys, so there will be a lower bound of 5 simians at each one of my campaign events. As well as entertaining the crowd, these friendly primates will provide cheap campaign labor by passing out buttons and holding up giant signs with my name on them.

-As for my name, I will of course have to change it. No one would elect someone named "Chris Hill", so I will have it legally changed to "Franklin Delano Kennedy Rockefeller". It is a known fact that people are more likely to elect a name they recognize (in Indiana, for example, they elected a representative named "Chocola" who is of course named after our favorite childhood cerealmonger Count Chocula), and I think people will be encouraged by the knowledge that I grew up in the Kennedy political environment with Rockefeller money.

-You know those boring expensive dinners where the candidates charge $3000 a plate to sit around and listen to boring people talk about boring stuff? Not in my campaign. Instead, fundraisers will be neighborhood basketball tournaments, elephant rides, and Less than Jake concerts.

-All speeches and campaign ads will be made in haiku form. What better way to eloquently deliver a platform than through the ancient Japanese art of bad poetry? For example:

      Abortion, quite the
      controversy.  Won't touch it
      with a ten foot pole.

      This speech was written
      by monkeys, but makes more sense
      than what Dubya says.

      Big Tobacco paid
      for this ad; joke's on them when
      I ban cigarettes.

      My opponent wants
      to slaughter your children and
      raise taxes tenfold.

-Finally, in order to entice the all-important "teen" demographic (who will be allowed to vote once I'm through with legislation), I will feature extreme sports prominently in every aspect of my campaign. A vote for me is a vote for Base Jumping, Vans Skate Shoes, and Vin Diesel movies. I will affirm this position by getting fake temporary tattoos and clip-on body piercings and making my campaign slogan "He was a sk8r boi, she said 'see you later boy'".

Kennedy Rockefeller 2004. Jump on the bandwagon before it drag races by you.