"You weren't supposed to help her..."

[shudder]

The only thing scarier than that movie is how badly I'm performing at picking the outcomes of NFL football games. I promise I used to be good at this. I'm 59-45, Lucas is a high and mighty 73-31, and here are this weeks entries, picked by my brain instead of computers or coins or monkeys...

PIT at BAL: PIT. I hate to say it, but the Steelers actually look impressive under Tommy Maddox. And the loss of Jerome Bettis shouldn't be too big of a deal, they still have the Fu'a'Ma'tu-Ma'a'a'aFa'la guy right?

DET at BUF: DET. I don't know why I do these things, but I'm picking the Lions. The Bills defense is horrible, and in order for me to win my fantasy football matchup this week I need Drew Bledsoe to perform poorly. Therefore it will happen.

TB at CAR: TB. I can't in good conscience pick Sal Fasani (or whatever the hell Mr. 4th-String-Panthers-Quarterback's name is) to win an NFL game. Between him and the aforementioned David Garrard, where do these players come from?

TEN at CIN: TEN. I wanted to pick the Bengals. I really did. Then I remembered watching them play the Falcons and Bucs and the fact that they more closely resemble the WashU second team than an NFL squad.

SEA at DAL: SEA. I'm down, I've got to take some risks. Everyone is picking Dallas and Emmitt Smith, but remember that Dallas is absolutely horrible and they're starting a rookie quarterback.

OAK at KC: OAK. The Raiders looked so good a few weeks ago, then Bill Callahan decided to stop running the ball. Poof! There goes his high powered offense. Time to get it back on track against the worst defense in the league.

CHI at MIN: CHI. I made the mistake of picking the Vikings way too many times this year. Here's what I don't get: they have purple jerseys yet Daunte Culpepper *still* throws about 4 interceptions per game. How hard is it to look for the open man wearing *purple*?

ATL at NO: NO. I'm not totally sold on Michael Vick yet. Nor am I sold on his slow-as-molasses receiving corps or Warrick "Can't Break a Tackle" Dunn. They could prove something to me in this game, though.

CLE at NYJ: NYJ. Yes, Lucas, I'm picking the Jets too. It's scary isn't it?

ARI at SF: SF. Thomas Jones? Marcel Shipp? You can't win without a running game, it's as easy as that.

HOU at JAX: JAX. Unless David Garrard makes another apperance, in which case all bets are off.

DEN at NE: DEN. Ha ha, poor Lucas. He sees "hmm...Patriots at home, coming off a bye, on a losing streak in need of a win, getting no respect", but as a longtime Pats fan I see "annual loss to Denver". The Pats have beaten the Broncos once in about the last 20 years, or at least that's how it seems.

IND at WAS: IND. Prediction: Washington players will get confused about who is actually starting at quarterback and there will be *2* QBs lining up under center for the first play of the game. From that point on Spurrier will settle for just his #1 golden arm...Chris Doering.

NYG at PHI: PHI. The Giants' fast defense could cause problems for Mr. McNabb, but their offense doesn't exactly strike fear into anyone's heart. And this is a Monday Night game, so it's gotta be a blowout.