Joe "Don't Call Me Jim" Tucek contributes his haikus:

The sleepy senior
He refuses to take notes
Fedders disapproves.

E E 4 5 5
Chamberlain is so jolly.
Should I drop CoE?

In four twenty-two
all students write buggy code.
Segmentation fault.

Goooooooooooo Joe! (sorry, I couldn't resist).

Last night I took a major step in my life. I played soccer. You see, I have it on good authority from many many girls that "girls like soccer guys", so with this inside knowledge in mind I signed up for an IM soccer tournament. My team lost quite handily, and three of the goals scored against us were tallied by our own players, but happily I was not responsible for any of them. My biggest action in the game was when one of the opposing players kicked the ball near our goal and I...get ready for this...hit the ball with my head away from the goal. As I understand it, this was a good play, and should have garnered sexual favors from many of the girls in attendance. Alas, it seems that just showing up on the field (or "pitch" as we soccer guys call it), does not automatically make me attractive. There are a number of other important steps to become a soccer guy such as:

-obtaining soccer equipment, including the proper shoes.
-using the word "keeper" to refer to the person standing in front of the net rather than "goalie".
-yelling angrily at my teammates as I run up the field.
-being an overall jerk.

Once I master these important steps, I will have achieved soccer-guy-ness, which as I understand it is right above "frat guy" on the social totem pole of life.

I'm not doing well in my NFL picks, 43-31 to Lucas' 54-20, so I am resorting to a new method to pick my winning teams: the coin flip. Heads for the home team, tails for the visiting team, and I will then proceed to write a sentence justifying whichever pick the coin makes, even if it picks the Bengals...

PIT at CIN: CIN. Yeah, so the coin doesn't seem to be starting off well, but keep in mind that only one team has ever gone 0-16 so chances are that the hapless Bengals will win one of these games. And who better to beat than the Steelers, who have only one win of their own? I call this my "upset special".

CAR at DAL: CAR. The Panthers have lost two straight, but Dallas has no offense to speak of and Carolina does have one of the top defenses in the league.

JAX at TEN: TEN. The Jags are playing way over their heads right now. Fred Taylor has been healthy for a full five weeks, and the prospect of him staying healthy for a full season is just too impossible to even contemplate. Jeff Fisher has pride, the Titans will pull this one out.

BAL at IND: IND. Those lucky, lucky Bears...oh wait, the Bears aren't playing this week. This year it has been the Ravens who have been doing wacky things to win like returning field goal attempts for touchdowns. Without Ray Lewis, though, Edgerrin James will run roughshod all over them. I love the word "roughshod".

DET at MIN: MIN. Minnesota can't lose every game, for reason I have exlained above, and who better to provide them with a victory than the Lions, who start a young quarterback and have no running game to speak of.

GB at NE: GB. The Pack may be banged-up, but the Patriots' defense is reeling from two straight tough losses. It's gut-check time, and unfortunately without Troy Brown again the Pats don't have what it takes.

ATL at NYG: ATL. Michael Vick is out, but Doug Johnson is a better pure passer and the Giants are miserable. If the Falcons can defend agains the air attack, they should have no problem with Tiki.

NO at WAS: NO. The Patrick Ramsey era may have begun, but the Saints D should have no problem stifling the fun and gun. Since I am required by law to mention Steve Spurrier in this sentence, I just have to say that his decision to sign Danny Wuerffel just gets funnier and funnier.

BUF at HOU: HOU. There is absolutely no way I can justify this. There is no way the top offense in the league will lose to an expansion team. However, I have to leave it in here to prove that I am just going with the coin.

KC at SD: SD. The Chargers' defense is dinged-up, but the Chiefs have Trent Green, the human interception. Unfortunately I have him on my fantasy football team, so I can't afford the 3 picks that he will undoubtedly throw.

CLE at TB: CLE. Keyshawn has his touchdown, he is now free to disappear for the rest of the season.

OAK at STL: STL. Oh the humanity. Ohhhhhhh the humanity...

MIA at DEN: DEN. It's time for Miami's letdown game after last week's big win against New England. This game should feature about 80% running plays, so feel free to do your homework on Sunday night.

SF at SEA: SF. Shaun Alexander only does well in prime time games, and because his team is so awful this will be their last prime time game of the year. I don't know how they do it, but Monday Night Football has managed to pick 5 blowout boring games so far, and this one will be no different.

There they are. If the coin flipping doesn't work, I am fully prepared to write a Java program to do my picks for me next week...