I am a huge tool. My coin-flip method worked fairly well last week but I still came up short. The overall record now stands with me at a respectable 52-36 and Lucas at a robust 64-24, so I've added a new weapon to my arsenal. Using my elite programming skills, I've conjured up a Java program that takes in a variety of statistical inputs (you don't think I'll reveal my secrets do you?), does a bunch of wacky calculations, adds in a random factor, and computes a score for each team. Then it repeats this 100 times, tallying the "victor" each time. Then, because the NFL this season has been incredibly unpredictable, there is a chance that the program will pick the "underdog" based on the differential between the number of wins for each team in the 100 game trial. I've put all of this week's games into the program, turned the crank, and here's what it spit out:

CAR at ATL: CAR. In our first upset of the day, the Panthers beat the Falcons despite Atlanta holding the slight edge in wins.

CHI at DET: CHI. The computer program must not know that Chris Chandler will be starting for the Bears.

SEA at STL: SEA. Apparently Marc Bulger's impressive debut didn't impress the algorithm. Either that or it realizes that even the Seahawks' pathetic offense should be able to roll against our weak Rams.

BUF at MIA: BUF. In an upset, the Bills pull it out against the Jay Fiedler-less Fish.

SF at NO: NO. Terrell Owens may be arrogant, he may be a jerk, and he may be a whiner, but he always manages to entertain.

MIN at NYJ: MIN. In a cakewalk, the Vikings pull it out over the equally-hapless Jets. The only thing that would make the Jets' awful start even more fun would be if Bill Parcells were still coaching them.

TB at PHI: PHI. Personally, I'd have to disagree with the program here. I think Tampa's defense will shut down Donovan McNabb, but we all know how well my picks have done thus far.

DEN at KC: KC. Trent Green continues his assault on both the touchdown and interception records against the underwhelming Brian Griese and his lucky Broncos.

JAX at BAL: JAX. Who the hell is David Garrard, and why did he have more rushing attempts than pass attempts last week? How does this guy have a job but Jeff George is unemployed. I mean I know he doesn't get along with anybody, but at least he can throw the ball.

SD at OAK: OAK. Not only did the Raiders lose to the Rams last week, but they looked pretty bad in doing so. Now they're pissed.

HOU at CLE: CLE. The Texans almost pulled out an improbable win last week that would've given me victory over Lucas. Alas, they didn't. It could've been their last chance at a win this year.

WAS at GB: GB. Damn, I really wanted to pick the Redskins because I know Lucas will pick the Pack, but my program doesn't lie.

DAL at AZ: AZ. Has there ever been a worse .500 team than the Cowboys? And not only are they bad, but they're incredibly boring to watch. Almost as boring to watch as Arizona.

IND at PIT: IND. I really wonder how Monday Night Football picks games at the beginning of the season. Of all the great matchups this weekend, they get the most lopsided one.