Today's topic: Why you should quit reading this weblog and go write a self-help book.

If you've ever watched cable television, then you've seen Matthew Lesko parade around in his question-mark suit hocking his book. In it he claims to have sources for billions of dollars of government grant money that people can apply for if they just buy the book and read it. My question is, why isn't Mr. Lesko using these sources to apply for the grants himself? He certainly knows how to apply for grant money, since he has another book out called "How to Write and Get a Grant". The answer is that he's found a more lucrative moneymaking scheme than applying for grants: writing books about applying for grants. Here's a question, which of these sounds like an easier task: a) applying for a government grant b) writing a series of books, getting them published, filming a series of television commercials, paying for them to appear on cable. If selection a were indeed easier or more lucrative, wouldn't Matthew Lesko have taken that path rather than the latter? Just something to think about.

I was listening to talk radio the other day in the car, and there was one of those alternative medicine doctors taking phone calls and dispensing advice. The problem was that he recommended to every single person who called in that they see a chiropractor, regardless of their problem. One guy was having trouble with his pacemaker, and the doctor suggested that he see a chiropractor. Maybe it's because I don't have a doctorate in ginseng and acupuncture, but what the hell does a chiropractor have to do with an electronic device implanted by a heart surgeon? And if this guy is having problems with it, shouldn't he be calling his cardiologist rather than the local quack on the radio? I think Dennis Miller said it best when he said: "Just remember, every once in a while, the untutored maverick whom the medical establishment assumes doesn't know what he's talking about actually doesn't know what he's talking about." There's a reason why there is a whole section at Waldenbooks devoted to "alternative medicine" (apparently performing the acupuncture itself isn't pulling in the G's), but no "Open Heart Surgery for Dummies".

And then there's the Atkins Diet, the latest trendy fad diet sweeping the nation. This one says that carbohydrates are bad, but you can eat all the smoked sausages, bratwurst, cheeseburgers, and sausage and egg mcmuffins that you want. And it works too. Like all fad diets, if you starve your body of one of its nutrients, it compensates by getting energy from stored fat which makes you lose weight. But in case you haven't noticed it's really freaking unhealthy. See, there's this other thing called "cholesterol" which causes your arteries to harden, which leads to heart attacks. Cholesterol is found most often, along with equally unhealthy saturated fats, in same sausages, processed pork products, and fast food. But Dr. Atkins (who also, I might add, is making a tidy sum selling books about how to cram as much saturated fat as possible into one meal) claims that it's ok because he was on the diet and it hasn't given him a heart attack yet. Umm, there's just one little problem. Different people have different risks for heart attack. Maybe Dr. Atkins has a metabolism like a hummingbird that can quickly break down the fat into energy before it takes residence in his arteries, but that's certainly not true for everyone. I will not be the least bit surprised when a few years down the road when long term studies can be done, people will find that, surprise surprise, saturated fat is bad for you, which I believe has already been shown. So go ahead, eat your steak and egg pizza. I'll eat my balanced diet containing both meats and carbohydrates in balanced portions and continue to exercise, and the best part is that I won't be making Dr. Atkins' wallet any fatter.