Those of you who know me know that I'm in the market for a car. Not that I want a car, by any stretch of the imagination. I want weekly gas bills, maintenance fees, monthly car payments, monthly insurance payments, and the hassle of parking and worrying about whether or not my auto will be jacked in the stealingest city in the country about as much as I want a hole in my head. However, there are certain things I need to live, such as groceries, that cannot be obtained via walking.

The whole car-buying process is unlike buying any other product. Let's say I need a roll of paper towels to clean up some water I spilled on the counter. I go to Wal-Mart and ask a customer service rep where the paper towels are. They point me in the right direction, I find the cheapest ones, I bring them to the register, and I'm out the door in 5 minutes.

Now compare that with purchasing a car. I know I want a late-model used import car (no trucks or SUVs or Hummers, I'm not towing any trains or uprooting trees) with relatively low miles on it and good fuel economy at a fixed price level. So I go to the local dealer and tell him this, and he tries to sell me a new car significantly above my fixed price level. I again tell him what I'm looking for, and he points out that I get $1000 cash back for buying the new car. This still leaves it well, well above my fixed price level. I actually tell him about a specific used car in his lot I want to look at, and on the way to look at it he shows me a new car and says how it is better than the used one.

Using my Wal-Mart example, this would be like the customer service rep answering my paper towel inquiry by showing me the $50 deluxe Egyptian silk bath towels. Sure they both do the job, but I know what I need. I'm not stupid, I know that the dealer gets a kickback for selling new cars. It would be different if I were just browsing, but I'm not. I have specific requirements, and I expect to be shown something that at least fits some of those requirements.

The best part about visiting a car dealer is the stories. In an effort to show you how friendly they are, and how they really want to find the best vehicle for you, they regale you with car stories. Some of the best ones I've heard:

-"I know all the cars in the lot. People will ask me about that Camaro over there and I know that it is misaligned and pulls to the left, and I'll tell the customer that. The car you asked about is perfect, no problems." Right, that's why it has been sitting in the lot for weeks.

-"The guys here owe me a favor [insert story about oil cap damaging a past car here], so I can give you this car a little cheaper than I normally could." This one is like a cliche, and the oil cap story took like 10 minutes, during which I just looked around aimlessly and payed very little attention.

-"Well they made a mistake with the sticker price, I can knock $4,000 off of that." This was actually one dealer's excuse for why a 3-year-old used car was actually priced higher than the sticker price when the car was new. It is amazing how every car in the country depreciates in value the second you drive it off the lot, but this one actually appreciated in value. By knocking $4,000 off, he actually brought the price down near what it's current maximum value is. What a bargain.

-"A woman brought this one back after a week because she didn't like the seat." Regarding a used Lexus with 300 miles on it. $40,000 sticker price is definitely above my fixed price level, but who cares, what a story!

Basically all car dealers want to convince you that every other dealer is a crook, but they are the shining beacon of honesty in a world of slicked-hair, slicker-sales-pitch shysters.

And the dealers are shining beacons of honesty compared to the car insurance folks, more on them tomorrow...