Tonight I watched the Mike Tyson/Lennox Lewis boxing match. I've never watched boxing before, but my friends were going and after all of Tyson's crazy shenanigans I figured it would be a spectacle if nothing else.

Mike Tyson has a history of saying funny things, including but not limited to threatening to eat his opponents children. This is especially funny coming out of the mouth of someone whose voice sounds like they are approximately 8 years old. He also, of course, bit Evander Holyfield's ear off during a fight. During the press conference announcing this fight a few months ago, Tyson decided it would be in his best interest to run at Lewis (while he was surrounded by his entourage) and start choking him. On television. In front of a room full of press and boxing officials. Right before the fight started he was quoted as saying that he has "found inner peace" because his mom sent him videos of his pigeons from New York City. Uh-huh. Yeah.

Because of his history of making a fool out of himself while endangering the safety of others, many states refused to give Tyson a boxing license or host this fight. Unfortunately, the actual fight did not live up to all the hoopla. Tyson came out at the start looking basically like an insane animal who had been caged for a long period of time. This is true, since a team of psychiatrists in Boston did pronounce him insane, and he was indeed caged for a few years in a state penitentiary for rape and assault. However, after the first round he was noticeably exhausted and bleeding. Bleeding because Lewis repeatedly used his extra thirteen inches of reach to tap him on the face and then pound him on the side of the head with a hook. Even though he used basically this same strategy over and over again, eventually Tysons eyes were swollen shut so there was nothing he could about it except take the beating and try to remain standing.

After the fight, instead of trying to choke Lewis again like I would've wished, Tyson instead claimed that all his antics were simply to promote the fight. He then proceeded to kiss Lewis' ass and beg for a rematch. Lewis simply ignored him and proclaimed himself the greatest fighter in the world a few times, then called himself, I am not making this up, a "pugilist specialist". Not once but twice.

In summary: Mike Tyson is a scary, scary man. Lennox Lewis is tall. Pigeons will give you inner peace. Big words, when spoken in a British accent by someone who is sweating and bleeding, sound ridiculous. I will eat your children.