Real honest-to-goodness phrases taken from things found at Chinese establishments and their real meanings:

"Monday Close" -- In reality I'm guessing that it means this particular establishment is not open on Mondays, but wouldn't it be cool if it meant that on Mondays the restaurant became physically closer to my place of residence while returning to its normal driving distance on all other days?

"Welcome to Chinese Restaurant. please try your Nice Chinese Food With Chopsticks the traditional and typical of Chinese glorious history. and cultural" [spelling and punctuation (or lack thereof) in context] This one starts off so well, reminding me that I have indeed walked into a Chinese restaurant and not a Mexican or Thai restaurant by accident. Although I'm not exactly sure which Chinese restaurant. Then it gets a little wild. First they state that all Chinese food is "Nice", which is not necessarily true (especially if I'm consuming Assorted Eel Parts or one of Pete's favorites). Then they assert that by being a stupid fat American and using a fork I am insulting their long and glorious history and traditions. As an afterthought they point out that I am insulting their culture too in a tersely-worded sentence fragment. I can't help but think that this translation is an insult to our language.

"Let our chef make special food." -- Actually I think I'd rather the chef stick to making food he's familiar with...

"You will be surprised!" -- ...especially after reading this.

"We do all kind celebrate catering" -- 'I know those words, but when you put them together they don't mean anything'--Lisa Simpson

"Have a party? Call us!" -- Maybe I will, I bet they'd be more fun than drunken frat guys or scantily-clad sorority girls. On second thought...

Have you found any other great phrases like these in Chinese restaurants or in fortune cookies? Send them to me and I'll post the best ones to the site and give you all the glory. Go ahead. You know you want to.